Few Words

Nineteen more hours. This is it for 2010. 

This is okay. Soon it will be 1/1/11. We get to begin again. Many have made resolutions. Many will decide not to because they do not want to feel that sense of pressure and disappointment. Understandable.

However, we are a declaration. Our actions, our inactions. Our beliefs and disbeliefs. Our feelings and disinterest all have impact. It all has an effect. We can sit at the sideline, marshalling energies, evaluating situations, formulating strategy in the end. It stuff. These imagined games we play is the drama that we create.

 

We put ourselves in an endless maze in the end hoping to finding that sense—that feeling—of Home. Thing is that feeling of Home is always there. We are where we are, until we decide to go somewhere else. 

Wanderlust, discovering, exploration. It is our nature and obligation. We need to discover, to uncover, and recover. We live creating many moments, to learn that one moment can mean more than many lifetimes. Quantity versus quality. We realize that it is neither this or that. It is both. 

Faster, stronger. Higher. Cheaper, faster, better. These nice notions of values and greatness. Ha!!! We are all great. We are all special. We have purpose. We have  impact. We think that by taking from others is the way. We pursue  to accumulate stuff that we can no longer keep at the end. This strategy to take all that we can without giving all that we can is, well, selfish—and  ridiculous. We must be a conduit. A provider. A harnessers. Student/ Teacher. Child/ Caretaker. Boss/ worker. Leader/ Follower.

We are tourist here in this world. Living in body borrowed from the stardust. We are the universe. At times we think we are alone. We’re not. We are housed body and mind. But we will be evicted because this is not ours. We have taken. We will give, too.. We think that the soul is true substance the ultimate influencer of the cerebral cortex and politic body. It may well be. But I suspect there is more. 

So I end here knowing there is no end. Learning that the journey is the goal pursued and not the goal in itself.  Goals are short list markers of self-created value. So here I will resolute. I will create goals for me to follow. I will manifest what has always been. We are all imperfect perfections. All of us are imbalanced. Our strengths and weaknesses counters others weaknesses and strengths. Our imperfections makes us all perfect.  If man create penicillin out of moldy bread, then God can makes us something wonderful. Wait God has. Its all perfect.

So I say. 2010 thank you for everything given. 2011 thank you for everything you will provide. May I do the same to both, Take all that you offer and give everything I have. Big Smile, Thanks for the adventure.

I Remember. . .I Forgot

I Remember. . .

1. To keep promises
2. To take responsibility
3. To let go and let God
4. Everything counts
5. That kiss
6. My Brother is Best Person I Know
7. Jumping
8. The Orange Pinto
9. There is reason for everything
10. Faith is what matters
11. Faith in self, in others, and something bigger
12.  We are all connected
13.  If we don’t get it right this time, we’ll keep being placed in the same situation until we do get it right
14.  Time is most precious
15. We are all tourists
16. Energy is neither created or destroyed
17. Some things are true whether we believe them or not
18. Love
19. That I need to forgive myself as well as others
20. That I am blessed
21. Rochelle, Tatay, and Dad
22. He said, "He just wants to Play, too."
23. Walking to Farmers Market, to the Library, to everywhere
24. The Sir Galahad theory
25. Trust in the Universe and she will take care of you
26. Goodwill Hunting quote, “Will Hunting: You wasted $150,000 on an education you coulda got for $1.50 in late charges at the public library.”
27. The first part of the poem Invictus
28. The "Self-Pity" by D.H. Lawrence] I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself.
29.  Answers will be revealed
30. Celestine Prophecy and Art of War
31. People close to us are the one we have been linked with in many, many, many lifetimes 

I Forgot. . .
 

1.      A mistake is not a mistake until you stop doing something about it

2.      We get signs all the time and that we need to pay attention

3.      What was important

4.      What I got mad about

5.      We spend time on what is important

6.      The time waits for no one

7.      That everything counts

8.      We decide our future

9.      I used to like to draw

10.  Good friends need attention, too

11.  Every day is the next for the rest of our lives

12.  Karma

13.  Multi-Generational Process

14.  Now is what counts

15.  That I wanted to search for unicorns

16.  "The most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become." -W. E. B. Du Bois

17.  My favorite movies are Leap of Faith, Heat, Excalibur, Gattaca, Thirteen Days, Fight Club,  and Grand Canyon

18.  We to need consciously Breathe

19.  About  promises made

20.  Einstein said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge.”

21. Einstein said, "Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character."

Life Without You

Are you there? Do you think of me? It’s been so long and I’ve been so empty. Not sure if you ever think of me anymore. Or if you ever did? 

Wish the clock would turn back. Wish that I could turn a different corner. . .So I could do many things over. This is why I write. This is why visit many places. This is why I go. I imagine what it would like to be with you. I look back and review chances long missed. 

 

There are surrogates now, but they are not you. They will never be you. Just company until the time pass. 

This feels like such a long wait. A long absence. My color is blue for all the things I’ve done and failed to do. These are why I continue. Hoping some time that you will forgive me and salve this unhealing wound.

I run round all over town thinking about you.  Time seems so slow. When I imagine times with you, I try to stay there. Forever. Forever to be with you. Life is so different without you. Out of place is how I feel.  So . . .Asynchronous.  Out of step. . .out of place. . .out of time. 

 

 My hands are cupped with the particles of sand. I try desperately to hold on, but I feel them slipping away. I can feel each tiny particle fall so quickly. Each one lost makes my heart race faster and faster. Stricken by this anxiety that I can’t hold on. This acknowledgment that moment is building and arresting this departure is feeble. Still I try, I see no other way.  

 There is purpose to this. I know this to be true. Its just escapes me. It’s a mystery to me. Yes, I do trust in the universe. No, I haven’t lost Hope.  I just wonder if you are there and if you think of me. 

My face is contorted in unrest. A physical setback changed me a couple years back. I am pained awake and know this shook the foundation of my faculties. An awakening to my spiritual side has brought much change in me, but it still hasn’t filled the void inside me that is you. Talks with your mother some time ago said your interest was in art. So I immerse myself in visiting the Getty, LACMA, MOCA. I take photos, write posts, look at paintings, marvel at statues. I do what I think may be artistic.

Still, these are feeble attempts to connect. To feel a part of your life. My external drives are filled with pictures and photos of museums I’ve visited.  Pondered changing lifestyle in pursuit of this artist way, but I know this a just to a substitute to being close to you.

A few days ago, I stayed up all night. Watched a meteor shower, hoping that my wishes come true. They are of you. Fifty, I counted. They were my wish that things were different. My wishes were for you and to those I love. My wishes were to go back in time and turn a different corner. My wishes were. . .Well, anyways. The day is ahead and all I can do right now is to fight this ennui, shooting arrows at the night. Hoping upon hope that I will find some reprieve from this prison of emptiness.  

Fifty Wishes

Wanted to put these words down before I succumb. Saw fifty of them. Last three were tough. Falling deeper and deeper. Began to find my place before Nox. This place before Delta and Beta. Right at REM.

Had no power to effect the outcome. Like I ever did? All I could do was keep my eyes open. Just watch. No power. No control. No ability, except to keep eyes wide. They would tear in the desert night. Was out there for an hour. Tired. Cold. Sleepy. Winds blew lightly, but sharply. Heard the sounds of howling dogs carry in the night. Motorcycles revved. Morning still a ways.

Three stars traveled from 8 o’clock to 2 o’clock. Stared at the weak lights, reminded me of  the Marina Del Rey Holiday Boat Parade. Saw the W constellation, well, that is what I call them. I think it was Cassiopeia. They would flash alone and in pairs. Most of them streaked white. Occasional. Green. Saw a red one, too. Not sure if it was me hallucinating. Just kept my eyes open. A couple of times battled the fall. Almost didn't get up. The winds were biting still. No more gnawing. Not the nice chewing slowly, Jaws like chomps this time. Still, I sat there and rocked.

Sometimes there were the flashing ones. Not really what I was looking for, but still they streaked across slowly. Maybe it was Delta. Perhaps it was JetBlue. Could have been the B-2 Spirit. It was dark and I was tired. Looked like Batman's plane.

Still the Fifty was my goal just the same.

Thought of Russell. Thought about Jewel and what she said. Thought M, Kev, Luz, Mom, Precie, Lynn, and Dorian. Thought of Brian. Thought of Dad, Mike. Prayed for them. Wished them well. Good fortune and good health. Wished for other things. Had Fifty of them. Could have lied and gone early. Pretending, but that is not me. That would be lying to myself. Guess, I was reinforced. Guess, it was genetic. Guess, it was a blessing and curse.

Still, I sat there and rocked in the dark, windy night.Thankfully, it was biting. Kept me awake and woke me as I fell. Imagined what it would have been like at the Bowl. Probably was Fourth of July Celebration.Went to Griffith, but no one would let us in. Russell from around the world said they were closed Monday and Tuesday. Budget cuts. 

Wrapped in a white and purple blanket, I sat in the backyard  and looked up. Skies were bright dark. It had a bowl shaped. City lights outlined its base. Still the Three Stars kept moving. Maybe I was hallucinating. Wasn't sure at the time.

Closed eyes a few times trying to imagine something. Asked myself in the dark, "What was that thing I was imagining again?" Heard "Just keep the eyelids shut." Imagine. "Rest. Sleep. Sleep. Nox, is that you?"

Damn It! It was the body tricking me to sleep. It was the body's call for rest. Sneaky trickster! Shocked awake by the bite of the ice winds at my legs. I cursed myself. Stop imagining and look up.

Thought of Glitter. Remembering those nights talking in the dark on the swing. Thought about the night camping in the van with family and friends. Thought about camping at Yosemite and Pinon Hills. Thought how life is brief. Thought about someone doing the same thing I did a thousand years ago. Thought about some future stargazer. Imagined how the stars formed shape.

Saw number forty-eight. That was nice. Nice long streak. Two more, then I could rest. 

Still, I waited. And waited. And waited. Heard again, "Come On." It was the body again.

They came earlier in short half-second scants. Flash here. Flash there. It was a light show. Once in awhile, streaks would last longer. Thought of fishing and how the season, location, fishers would came in to play. Thought about how many showers I've missed before. Thought, How I don’t want to miss anymore.

Last two times were at the Bowl. They were disappointing. Lost in the middle of the deep, dark. Scared, thinking "I told no one. No one knew where I was. There was no reception. No one would could find me."  Thought of 127 Hours movie.

Then all off sudden, a light at in the dead of night. It streaked. Streaked on the path I was just on. Found someone on my same journey (I hoped to the Bowl). I turned around followed. Almost didn't see the kids when I passed the gates. Thankfully I didn't hit one. Stayed there for an hour, waiting in dark like tonight. Sat there cold,  searching. It was nothing compared to tonight.Six or seven in an hour. Tonight I caught fifty wishes in an hour. The second Bowl visit, no one was there. Not going to stay and wait for others. So I returned home.

Forty-nine. Nice. One more.

Thought again about tiny pool balls crashing into each other.  I remember the words of the father few hours earlier tonight. He asked his kids about the asteroid belt as I stood under Copernicus and Keppell. Thought of that games Asteroids. that one sole ship spinning right and left. Firing away. Blasting planets to dust.

As I stood there at the Griffith Obelisk, I wondered why no one was let in. Still people came in. Like I did. A meeting was happening in back and I wasn’t a part. Some brought scopes. Some just walked. Don't they at the Observatory, know there is a shower tonight? That's what the internet said about the Geminid showers. Maybe, I was wrong?

Then I remembered. My time was not really my own. Had to get them safe home after this long cold day. Maybe I could get to the Bowl. Boycotted dinner plans for the group at Uncle Juhn's because I wanted to see shooting stars. Its my Driver's Veto I exercised. Heard one say the shower's peak is at one in the morning. Can't stay that long. They got to work in the morning. No stars at the Observatory anyways. Just the flashing lights of helicopters and planes in the sky. Time to go home.

Hope to see one shooting star. Instead saw Christmas lights. Instead saw the red and green fountains of Mulhulland. Saw a family of reindeer, Christmas light reindeer. Wished my former camera was working. I missed the night and zoom setting. Focus I have now is tiny to what I had before. I miss the sport shot.

Still Sony will do for now. My needs have grown this digital camera. Alas, I will wait. Still so much to learn. I am imagining again. Body is winning.

Ah, Fifty.

My finishing line has been broken. It Nox's turn. I will succumb. Time to meet my dreams and just REM it.I got my Fifty.

Three in the Morning Ramblings

Sleepless Night

Three in the morning. Woke and I’m not ready to go back to sleep. NewYear's Eve is in few short weeks and I would have to say this has been a fine year. Filled with many memorable moments. That is all we can ask. Just fine memorable moments. Hope this streak will continue as the year winds down to rev up for another great one. 

New Dawn

Can’t hold too tightly. Like sands in our hand we realize this is all borrowed time. Moments seem to last forever. A time where we want to live forever. A smile of young nephews when the world wishes him happy birthday. The arms raised up victory of a great performance. Standing tall at the Bee with all eyes resting on you as one spells that word practiced many times over. The sight of a cow chasing after zebras. The time when you see your first sea lion sunning himself on the beach.

A Different Perspective

We stand, we sit, we lie down remembering moments, just wanting to spend forever.

We realize that we have seen and experienced so many things. You wonder what you have given up to get where you are. You look back and smile that this was a fair trade.

Crossing Tracks

Then you think again about what you gave up. Special moments lost forever. Opportunities past of what could have been. You close your eyes and think about what you lost. Deep in moment at what could, what should have been. A place you can never go back to. Missed moments. Angry words. Self-protecting moments with shutting doors. Closed moments where mother and daughters must say goodbye. Where vision is lost?  One wonders what was so troubling that can may one close the door for what seems forever.

It was the Best of Times, It Sucked, too

A divorce. An ex re-marrying. An angry boss. Consideration of finding a new job and being old. . .older. A time where you wonder  whether the neighbor’s  are going to steal their way in your home to harm your kids. You wonder if your Mom and Dad are going to be okay? You wonder of a lost friend’s troubles with Meth is finding them in dark waters.

Passing

You think of an old friend. You wonder if that person you walked passed was him. You think did they pass because they didn’t recognize. Or did they pass quietly because they did recognize you. A silent moment in wonder. Where family move on with their own lives. You wonder whether you will have something like what they have. Where young nieces and nephews have changes in their lives. A new school. A new gym. A new everything.

Season Ends

Where seasons of football comes to a cold end. Where teams huddle up for the last time on a cold, rainy night. Where one watches for the final time. . .again. . . as kids one has coached realize this is the end. No longer playing. The loss of Friday Night Lights. Seniors become Freshmen again. Return to the beginning. A new place. A new home. A new everything. A sadness washes over one. They stand soaked as the downpour continues. Its cold. Its wet. It makes one bring in tightly, wrapping themselves under the torrent of change. Shoes get soaked by the barrage of rain.

Ahhhhhh

One closes in on the the comfort of something. . .of something. . .familiar. Like Home. Where good memories are housed. Where many parties are held. Where late night tv is watched. Where the Christmas trees were decorated. Where the birthday parties reveled. Where family and friends got together and enjoyed. 

Moving Day

Many homes around are emptying. Some for the loss of job. Some for the loss of a loved one. For some, bigger and better. Change is a coming. It is always coming. Sometimes the change is incremental. A slow decline of better to worse. And sometimes it’s a dramatic leap from LA to San Francisco. Where one says so long to loving sister one has shared a tiny room in the back. Some times it is saying, “No more traveling and job to spend time on what is important. A daughter’s love.” It is time to stay close to family because their brother is having a new child. It is time to hold on close to parents that are meeting their twilight.

Charlie Chaplin, Kermit-Style

It is the realization that to shed one’s old life for something new. It is the acceptance of loss in order to gain. Its everything large and small. It is the realization that the precious sands of time, the sand of life, the sands that build beautiful things are fleeting. Always fleeting. It is knowing the harder we hold tightly that they slip faster through our hands. It is this way. It is always this way. 

We think that we have forever. We do. Its just the vehicle we live in, the avatar, it gets worn. A representation of who we are. Who we need to be. Who we no longer need to be. It is all the same body.

Call Home

In many cultures, the snake is represented as a mystical animal. Despite, the Catholic imagery of the snake being negative. The influencing Eve who in turn influenced Adam consequently banishing them from Eden. Snakes in many cultures are said to be good creatures because of their ability to shed their skin. To slough the scales holding into a body that no longer contain their growth.   We are like this. We grow. We develop underneath the derma. We hardened by events, scarred by various life things. It is painful. It is the realization we are growing and the suit that protected one before no longer fits. It is this time where people must slough out the armor, to be vulnerable under the harsh climates. Until the sun and elements hardens the new skin to protect once again the body underneath.

Tour of California

A continuous cycle of beginning and ending. We all must face this. As the cycle winds down, there is the clock ticking away. It seems to get louder at certain points. People amass an energy. The final push. The climactic moment before the resolution. Like a good story that is about to turn the corner for something uncomfortable and wonderful at the same time. A sadness and joy brought together. They say time is relative. It is. I think time is more how connected we are to events all around.

Sunrise/ Sunsets

Well, I wrote much. It was not my intention to scribble so much. Just wanted to fill some moments until I felt sleepy again. I am sleepy again. Good Night again. Good Morning. Again.