Her face is aghast. Didn't have to look. I've seen it many times. Anger, shock, dumbfoundedness. Seen it too many times. Like a DVD play stuck on replay, mouth widens. Hands goes to face. Eyebrows arc and then their eyes squint. A rage bubbles up. Hot air wells from down below. Either a scream erupts or tears well up.
Yeah, I have been an asshole.
Its none of the girls fault. Absolutely none. Its all me.
Perhaps, its a self-fulfilling prophecy. She said, "She was scared. I would be a player. Unfaithful."
None of this is true. I have seen the impact of infidelity. Quietly picking up the phone. Listening to call not meant for me. Hearing that "other" woman's voice. Hearing the other say, "Don't call here anymore. He's not your husband." Seeing the look, feeling the tremor of her voice. Sadness, disappointment, mistrust. Grew up with the rumors from kin. I defended him than ignored the stories. "Garbage, just plain garbage," I would say to myself. Spoke it so often, many would say it became my mantra.
Berta. We were together for awhile. Timing just was a bit off. I was two years her senior and life was just a whisper away. Plan was go for a year than comeback. See that part of the world than come back. Stay local.
Came back after a mini trip. Sat on the bed of her guest room. She stood, I looked up. Her words. . .
"I am going with Bryson."
Knew it was going to happen. Steeled my self to be forgiving and to let this go. Was expecting this to happen after a few months away. We would get over this hurdle and life would be perfect. I was gone for a week and this shit happens.
Fucking kidding me. This my soul mate and I went for a quick trip to make sure this was where I wanted to be. She took a pre-emptive strike and decided to go with Bryson. A great guy on paper. Valedictorian, Eagle Scout, Band Geek, Singer. All great guy. Old family friend. This mother. . .
Berta was an accident. She was a friend's girlfriend. Didn't think much of it. Then we kissed and I knew. we both knew. Fuck, we were going steady for year and half and this crap happens. She said that she was afraid that I would cheat on her. So she goes and decides to hook up before I really left.
Broken-hearted, yeah. Pissed off beyond belief, understatement. Dating was just sport-effing.
Its funny how prophecies work. Mental preparation to ensure something doesn't happen. Out of the blue, reality happens. I was mentally ready for this, just not so soon. It hit. Blammm!!! I am okay being an asshole. Why? I really did not give a crap about the other person feeling. Was angry. Was Lost. Was Hurt. Learned how one can get easily get on the road to the Dark Side of the Force. I flipped a switch and it felt like my soul was gone. I became hollow because I didn't want to feel. became what I feared. Way I treated some people is a way I would never would want to be treated.
During these times, I learn there are angels all around. This karmic lessons of making sure we treat people with respect. Makes me realize when people are jerks and needing an attitude adjustment, I try to be more compassionate before giving a chin check. Blasts of anger I've come to realize is often a cry for help. Something in the past has allowed these tantrums to be okay. Sure there is a loss and these screams and fits are just an attempt to re-gain some balance.
To those I have been asshole to, forgive me. I understand the error in my ways. Found my soul again, it was harrowing journey. This victory was partial win. Almost forgot who I was. Learned a valuable lesson. Price of wisdom can come at an incredible cost. For me, I lost myself for awhile.
