Looking up

Nine days in of Nanowrimo. Zero words. Back is a little achy. Legs are shot and well I am okay with this. Artificial deadlines. Daily stuff on nexercise. And I, I am okay with this. Listening to the rhythm from within is just who I am. I think of the stuff since last I wrote. Stuff on the back burner. Stuff I let go. Stuff I held on. It brings me peace to let the Flow in. 

Accepting there are things bigger than we are. Accepting that we have decisions on these things. Living this fantasy that we have control of any of it. Decision to wake up. Decision to get up. Decision to understand there are some terrible things out their guised as harmless, yet we enter anyways. Mind games that shatters one soul while strengthening others.

We all walk our own paths. We take comfort that we are doing the right thing. We fight battles within ourselves. We hope these lessons learned will inspire others to greater accomplishments.

In the end…if such a thing exist, well, I believe there will be comfort that there is a grace of learning the balance between past and the future. There is balance with work and play. There is a balance between right and wrong. Dancing on the edge of sword is where Now begins.

Holding on and reaching forward. Living in yesterday and marveled at tomorrow. Despair and Hope. We search for meaning in it all. Looking ahead I am comforted that others have felt and thought as I have. I am comforted that these interactions has purpose. I believe that we are thrusted by some invisible force who’s presence is at times out of reach. 

I believe we are faced with these moments of decisions and the real battle is the one within. It is the battle on how we chose. How to smile when inside we cry. How we accept defeat and learn from it. How at times when we lose we win. How we let go we let in.

So we Jump. 

So nine days in. Almost 400 words. It’s a start and I’m okay with that. Will stretch and get some yoga in. Work on the core while legs get restored. Look up in the sky and marvel. Work on stuff on the back burner and let the Flow energize me. Master the mind games and replenish the soul. My path is out the door. To suit up and dance on the sword.  

Here We Go Again On My Own. . .

Where are you now? Drove by hoping for a glimpse.Not  stalking just wanting to see if you are smiling. All I see is the pictures you gave me. Took Facebook off my phone so I don't visit you as much.

Not sure where this is all coming from but I will be sending you good vibrations and pray they find you well. Ask me if I would have believed such things, but I learned to accept things are true whether you believe them or not. Life--the Great Serendipity. When I learned of the mutual and discovered that the Angels were listening.

It reminded me of that kiss with my soul mate under the moonlight in between. It reminded me of the Dragons book that glowed. Where the character Tasslehoff had this wanderlust. The need to go out and see and throw caution to the wind. It reminded me of that time visiting the gym and saying I don't think I want to work here. Later becoming the GM of the #1 gym of the country at that very company. It was moving to the house with the front door to the side. It was crazy events of life teaching me not to be too much of an ass. Yeah its Karma saying watch your mouth because there is much you don't know.

Its how I met Mouse. Knew a long time ago she would be part, but not in the capacity she's in now.

Its dark now and there is still some things I would like to do before to long.

So I will leave and dream of better things. Maybe someday?

Maybe. . .That's not enough right now. but it will have to do.

Tomorrow's light will be coming and I'd like to be there.

Mi Alma

 So. . .I write. These were the first lines . She said them confidently.

Eyes closed and smiled. Wanting attention I just smiled and walked away. Felt an energy. She needing attention. Peacocking for what she missed. Attractive sure, but my sense, is her father was distant. Always at work and coming home needing some space. Hiding in a room, watching Tv. Too tired to play.

Di, on the her own played with dolls and created elaborate scenarios. The chance encounter, the Prince coming in to save her. Being taken to some magical castle where all her wishes come true. She develops a scenario where all fawn over and with sparing interest she smiles.

A life where her mother babies and the rest of the family provides for her every need. Not showing boundaries. She becomes rude and blunt. This straight forwardness, I like. However, social conventions dictate a modicum of cordiality. This rareness is inviting. Still its a game and she seems well versed.

So instead I leave. Walking away to her astonishment. This game and my reluctance inadvertently starts something that should have died. Instead, I fear may be a ruination of the life I know.

Stupid laws of attraction. Being drawn and repelled. You ask the Universe and she provides you this. Not what you expected. Not what you planned. Still the Universe is smart. When you ask and she provides, do not be so dismissive. Like waves crashing the beach, she is unrelenting. Many defy these moments. However, she is a force. She will carve that wall and make pebbles of you.

Recognize this is purpose in her ways. So Flow.

Yield but do not break. Accept this torrent and rise. There is something deep here. An undercurrent that will drag you to through the rough reef. Scarring and biting at your flesh. Instead of fighting it, just swim with and right or left. These options the Universe will provide. Remember there are other forces unseen and all this will   nadir.

This leap. . .For what its worth, and it may be much, I take that leap and walk away.

She is angered and will pursue.

So cut short or long haul?

This is a tough one.

A lifetime at hand and possibilities endless.

This is what I asked for and it comes to this.

What is Mi Alma saying?

"So. . .I write." This is what Mi Alma says.

Yellow, one eye, and blue suspenders

Fan is blowing steady, unwavering. Pushing air to combat the sun. Light penetrates the wooden blinds. Shadow of the tree outlines the window. TV reporter said it would be a hot one. Five degrees warmer. Its been hitting triple digits. Its 78 degrees now and it is not even 8 am yet.

A/C and the pool will be high on the agenda today. A movie with nephew and this would be the highlight of the day. Despicable Me II and the Minions. I do like those little yellow creatures in their blue overall. Their familiar language sounding so close to something I know. Steve Carrell saving the world while watching his kids.

A simple time that will keep me warm when he grows old. Trying to makeup for time missed. Moments that I can never get back. So I close my eyes and just thank the Big Smile and the Guardian Angels for this time. A bit of regret, a sigh of relief, and some forgiveness. That is all. That is okay.

The sun will be down merciless today. Like time, it will just be. A constant, unyielding truth.

So I will cope. Adjust and enjoy the day. Find this oasis in the desert. Taking a dip in her refreshing pools and take in show when time allows it. Smile at Minions' one eye. Keeping a promise because there Joy is your Joy. Because being there is more important than being anywhere else in the world. More important than lining out a "To do" item. More important than selfish ways. More important than that hour of overtime. More important than closing that deal.

So its the Angel and Me. Minions make three.

Big Smile, Thank you

Come Full Circle

Not one for editing of late. Just go with the Flow and have it out there. Mistakes and all. No question that some edit would provide a better read. Crying out the story of the day. However, life isn't like that. We make mistakes and we move on. Hopefully in time the lack of editing will not be too life altering.

However, time is not too forgiving. Wouldn't and shouldn't have it any other way. Life is not always romantic. It is not a story that always have a happily ever after. Hard thing is this to remember that it can be better than what is expected. It is easy to tumble down the path of the Dark Side. However, one doesn't want be too naive. Life is not Disneyland.

This balancing act of Hope and Reality. Read the obituary of a good guy. Went to school with him, but was never close. Ran around in different circles. He brought "Her" to a house party once. This friend who passed through different circles. She was the crush/ girlfriend/ and best friends of people in my circle. That night we never hooked up. Kissed but nothing on the next level. Just didn't make it there. She reminded me of Glitter.

I was never close to him, but what I knew. He deserved a Disney story. Good guy gets the girl. I didn't know him like that but from what I knew that was enough. How do you write about a person you barely knew? But know in your gut that he was a good guy. Good guys should be shown the Kwan. The Love, the Respect, the total package. (Jerry Maguire reference) His life should be honored.

Wish lots of people were like that. I believe that generally most people are good and would act with the noblest of intentions. However, imperfect information and lapses of judgment leads down a different pathway much different than one imagined when they were younger. We turn a different corner and we never would have met.

Witnessed a troubling event a moment past. Separated Dad having issues with his youngest. Harsh words were said and poor communication were exhibited. When does one step in? When does one butt out? Situations could escalate at the drop off a hat and tragedy could ensue. However, when does one encroach in events that are not their business? When does one interfere in the parenting of another? When blows begin has been one rule.

Another life changing situation. He asked with good in his heart, "Does your friend want a gun?" His Father was doing bad things that a parent should never do to his sister. Not sure what happened next but His Father met his demise in prison or an overdose. I've got no sympathy for such monsters. Let Heaven bring justice.

I feel for this person because I have witnessed betrayal of trusts of family and friends.When does one involve another with marital relations of friend. Do you tell the person there is infidelity

Life is not a Disney movie. It is rough and terrible at times. Like a firecracker that goes astray, causing a home to be destroyed. Was informed that neighbor of a family member's died today. An Angeles Crest Highway crash. Four hundred feet off the side of the road. Severed arm. Contrasting reports. Police rolled up to tell the mother her child was gone. Later co-workers stop and say the daughter is alive and in a coma. Mother unsure if daughter is dead or in a coma. Not the first time police have been to this house in two years. OD, car crash, coma, and stroke. Rough.

Life is unforgiving. In a moment, gone. So when I start off talk about a lack of editing and a classmate's passing, when I talk write about a child's home life disruption and a crash of family member's neighbor, I write to remind us despite all these tragedies that the hardest thing is to keep the Faith. Hardest thing is to not to lose Hope of the person standing next to us. Hardest things is to believe in a better future, despite all evidence showing otherwise.

Yesterday, Fourth of July there almost 200 people for Precie's birthday. Lots of people showed that we never knew. Just looked familiar. Pool was crowded. Food was plentiful and drinks were flowing. Warm for a summer's day. Carried almost 400 lbs of ice yesterday. Family, friends and strangers all coming over to share in this country's and my niece's 16th birthday. I am reminded that 16 years ago that I was headed back after an hour in Vegas because there was complications of her first birthday. Born a premie and living in plastic incubator for the first few weeks. Saw my Brother cry. He never cries. Watching that helicopter take her away. I am reminded that Disney stories do happen. Good things happen all the time.

Because of these celebrations I am reminded that there is a plan. I am reminded that Angels guard us and protect us. Guiding us to where we need to be despite our limited vision of possibilities. I will try not write well-wishing platitudes because it would be unrealistic. However, won't dismiss that miracles happens. It was said that Don Quixote was defeated by a mirror. I believe it is mirror that reveals a Miracle. In one's passing people can be surrounded with family and friend. With that, I would be okay with just that.

So. . .

Waiting for the program to run its course.

Time elapsed as names rise up and fall. Checked for healthiness of its existence. Cleaning up, rooting up potential threats--All in the hopes things are alright. Hope is what gets its through. Some naivety that it is doing what its supposed to do. Constantly bombarded by malintentioned bits. Like an opportunistic bacteria, that finds an opening of the largest organ of the body. It hopes to colonize and franchise itself in a host. Hoping to spread itself in an unsuspecting host. If it were possible to man for every readiness that one faces, but its not.

They are airborne and negotiated through the mucus and follicles designed to trap them. They hide in the water that we thought was purified. Attacking the lining of inner workings of the host. It inserted like the horse of Troy. A gift with ill will. A backhanded compliment that engenders pride and stupidity. "Usually I don't like the trashy look, but you make it work."

Foolishness that allows these things to hurt. Often avoidable. Often self-inflicting. Yet one cannot be defended all the time. Life will not allow it. We become tired. Exhausted. Overloaded that we at times say, "Enough." Going on a vacation. Need a breather.

At times, this step back is alright. Energies are renewed and future looks brighter.

Yet. . .Who hates this word, Yet?

So breathe and painfully wait. We wait for the program to run its course and Hope the defenses in place have halted all would be attackers. We hope the program set up has done its job. It has protected the house and vanquished all would-be Dark Siders. We wait as the heat is turned up destroying those with ill. We allow some attackers to be attentuated so as to learn and develop new programs of these would be attackers. We develop thicker skin to deaden the areas that makes vulnerable. We have thorns around the heart to remind us and protect us from the love that is there. A rose has these sharp attachments around its neck that deter the careless and reckless.

Yet. . .This word again. It allows the heart to be. A sharp pain to remind us that there is an impermanence. A reminder to Love again. A reminder to protect those close because they will grow up and move on. A reminder that we must do be a constant reminder of Love when you are gone. A reminder that you are never gone and will be always there in spirit.

So we let the program run its course. We allow the good and halt the bad. As best we could.. We move because this is life. Fighting entropy as the world continue to change. We search balance and structure because we know this is impermanent. Watching those around follow a program that ultimately will meet entropy and will need to be reborn. Its okay

Its okay for things to fall. . .To Rise. . .To Hurt and Cry. Its okay to Suffer for a minute.

Why because these are Impermanent. Because We Rise and Rise again. We Love and Laugh again. In a moment a good long moment, We smile.

Its part of the program. Its part of the course. So. . .

Heavy Eyes

Day started with a nosebleed. Fortunately not mine. Unfortunately  it was my nephew. Picking your nose on a hot morning and the blood may flow at the lightest nick. I know this because I had the same ailment. Day was not what I expected. Not really what I planned. My horoscope gave me full warning. It said, "Today will  destabilize you."

As I walked down the stairs I knew this to be true. Forgot that I had made commitment that I simply forgot. Had to get out the door, but events me led me back and of course I couldn't find my phone to let those I was committed to that I need to make new arrangements.

However, it was what it had been. Lets just say that I am blessed. Got some shopping, ate some chocolate covered bacon and took some pictures of an airplane going vertical. Watched trains pass by at BJs corner. Even had pineapple icee and cotton candy one, too. Drove to Lancaster to get shop for sandals at the Reebok outlet. Found what I was looking for at the famous footwear factory. Showed up at the Blvd Szechuan place, but had lunch with the little ones at Great Wall. Jumped in the pool for a late night dip. Taught Angelo about Aunty Huli. Carried tables and shopped for everything.

My eyes are heavy and I will be turning in soon. Sixteen years ago I was on my way to Vegas with Michelle. Learned about the aspiration and was headed right back to AV Hospital. Watched my niece take a helicopter flight. Saw my Brother and Sister-In-Law cry over what was to be long journey. Learned about my car seizing up because the assholes near great wall fucked up the oil change by not putting the plug in right on the oil pan. Watched my niece be put a clear incubator.  Now she is readying for her birthday and I could not be prouder to be her Godfather.

It was my Father's Death Anniversary a few days ago. Don't believe I gave him his due. This will be another day. Read Mr. Jpeaks  and was a little wrought. He passed almost 25 days ago and now I was ready the Obit. Saw D and R's name, "Lifelong friends" JPeaks was an incredible guy. Would have liked to have sent him flowers. I will praying for you and your family.

RIP

Can't muscle this post through. Eyes are simply too heavy and I am just exhausted.

Good Day

Had to turn off the boob tube. Watching a 30/30 on Bo Jackson. Its kind of mesmerizing with good storytelling. Just want to stop what you are doing and just get  fixed in to the drama. Did a doubler today. Chest this morning. Tri's later afternoon. It was fine day.

Weather is letting up. Not the blistering heat that has been pounding the AV these last few days. Didn't even jump into the pool today. Maybe I will wake up early and do a few laps. Been blessed in my life. Today not much happened worth of note, but I just felt very blessed today. Did my exercise regimen. Ate relatively healthy. Sat and talked with nieces and nephews. Caught up in some writing and reading.

Car was air conditioned. Even got on Itunes  song by the Muse. It is Feeling Good. Heard by Nina Simone. Heard if by George Michael from the TV series about a lawyer that gets visits from the Big Smile. Heard the song Nina Simone. Have to say Muse is my favorite. Its just rich and powerful that it brings perspective.

Wrote a post about this a couple years ago.

"Its a new dawn, its a new day and I feel good. . .Birds in the sky, I know how you feel."

Might work out all day to this song. Just put replay and let the time pass away. Certain songs just do this. The Inches Speech by Al Pacino is easily in the hundreds listens. Hallelujah is up there too.

Being in the Flow, feels like Angels wings covering me, making me feel protected.

Still go a few more projects to go tonight and my eyes are feeling heavy. So I will end here.