Return. . .And Back Again

Late night, watching the Runaways. Heart has been feeling a bit heavy and I’m not sure where this is coming from. Where is this ennui from? This disturbance in the Force is from somewhere. Not sure where, but its there. Don’t think it’s mine, but someone close. She said she need to be away. Maybe its Neal. She has had a tough go with her ex- remarrying. Thought she turned the corner. Maybe it’s her that won’t be named. Wish I knew more.

Whatever, it is. It’s there.

My heart is buried under this heavy, smelly field.

Tried going to the gym. Hid in some movie classics. Visited the beach, but it’s been looming. A dark, grey cold front has come and I can’t get away. Choppy waves crash the beach.  Sapping, pulling my energies. I ebb.  Push this way and that. I know my heart feels heavy, buried. An analogy gone bad. Stopping at the vista, taking a view, and feeling disappointed. Brightness gone. Feeling a bit muddy. Dragging here. Each step getting harder to take.

Low blood sugar, I doubt. Change in dosage of medication. Maybe too much exercise and not enough results.  No sleep. The mid morning Zonk. Hope whatever is causing this comes to light. Need to be disinfected.  My energy is waning. Need my Flow. Am I looking at the Nadir?

I know this one of those times we go through. We suffer a backslide. Made some progress and through a series of should haves, could haves, and laters we find ourselves troubled. . .again. Not immune to the workings of others stuff and the Big Smiles challenges. We are a mixture of black and white. . .good and bad. . .Yin and Yang.

We go through times where we look ourselves and decide. Hold on? Let go? Move on. Be Unmoved. We are the mighty Redwoods that are marveled by their perseverance. We are the reeds that bends with the wind. We are all things and no things.  A crimson and clover.

Hard looks we must face. An honesty that cuts. Darkness that hovers. Blocks out all. It holds in an uncomfortable hug.

There are streaks of light passing through the cloud cover. They are my family. They are my friends. Present and past. They are the heroes of Marvel and DC. They are Aesop’s Fables and Sun Tzu’s sayings. Miyamoto, Machiavelli, and Moses. Can’t see them yet. But I know they are there. Seen them before. Their deeds , their words, their memories—They last. They inspire. They sustain when all is dark.  A caterpillar in a cocoon. A phoenix in the pyre. In the Between.

Buried, covered by manure. Encapsulated in this shell, this seed. Thunder roars. I feel the rains above. It feels dark because it is dark. Sun is out there. The voices of praise and joy are out there.  Above.  Around. Always around. It feels in the dark searching for seeds to inspire. A call is made. A call that yearns to be answered. Buried. There is the Light and I am drawn. We are all drawn. We can hide in the shell. Some need more time than others. Something grows. It reaches. It searches for what is missed.  I feel the clouds, the forecast. 

I say, “This too shall pass.”  Convictions needs building. It needs flowering. It needs to be talked to, listened. Resolve needs to be watered. It needs to be allowed to grow. I say we need these times to go through this. I hear Neitzche.

This seed I am. With potential encased and unbound. Hungry and unsatiated. I need this to grow. Chemical messengers sent. I act without knowing. Predetermined, predestined, the fate has been written.  Do I choose to follow or do I turn my back. In the life review, I can smile at the effort and intentions put in.

Today, our privacy awash. Pretend there are things such as secrets. This is a folly for the one that knows it can’t be fooled. The only fool is the one that chooses to hide and not acknowledge. They say the first step is laying it bare. This problem begins when we stop to try.

We are seeds in a garden programmed to build sand castles in the sky. 

If we can only remember our future. . .sooner. Before we are journey again.

Desert Summer Nights

Warm summer night. Music playing outside. Family is enjoying a swim. Teenagers are watching Twilight and little ones are a little tired. Corns on the cob, steaks medium rare. Mashed potatoes my favorite. Its been a short summer. A good summer. Haven’t traveled much, but a night like this. . .Nothing in the world be better. No where I would rather be.

Ears have been muted. . .and finally, my swimmers ears have subsided. Last night for the grunion runs. 405 finished 19 hours early and the roads are open. Carmageddon is done and freedom is again free. A friend has taken a sabbatical and I sense she is troubled. Weeded my friends list on FB and the summer adventures will be starting soon. Arches, bears, and faces of President are the future. Hope to see sand castles soon. I’d like to go the Con.

So many summers have passed and its been a good life. Having these journeys we have a life vision of what we are supposed to do. We’ll have a life review and hope next time it will be better. Still we forget, about the "Now." Holding on to past we try to discover what is that holds us back. We think it is something from our past. It probably is. We think in terms of good and not so good.

We hold and are held by our Fears. Rationalizing why we did this and that. Hoping that our voice is heard. We listen. Those synchronicities, those coincidences, those de ja vues--we dismiss. Lest we forget these are the things, these hints, these gentle proddings to move where we are supposed to go. We stray from the destination we made before we were born.  We spend a lifetime trying to get where we think where need to be.  Yet all too often we get sidetracked following others dreams which are not ours. We spend time working for something that is not ours. Yet, we discover where need to be.  May be late, but I remember an old quote from Hardball. “When angry, throw your golf clubs in the direction of the next Hole.

We will get sidetracked. We, in our journey, will discover. What that is, it is okay. In our review, we will make our own little prisons. Held for indiscretions until we can forgive and let go. Not an easy task at times. It is a very powerful act to forgive.  Many at times would rather hold on to the hurt and pain instead of freeing themselves of the prison that holds them back.  We displace, we intellectualize, we project these feeling on to others who do not deserve this. True, many of us wronged for no apparent reason. We are harmed. We are hurt, because the damage done was unjustified.

Still, we must remember we are a mix. We are good. We, at times, act in not so proud ways. If we trespass on others, we must forgive those because we wish their forgiveness. A reciprocity of love. We “FOR” “GIVE”. It is a giving for others. . .It is a giving for oneself. Our time is too short to hold on to so much pain. . .too short to hold on to such anger. . .too short to hold to hate.  Love hard because life too short. Moments pass so quickly that a lifetime happens in moments.

So enjoy your summer nights. Listen to that Marley. Take a dip in that refreshing pool. Luxuriate in the sounds of laughter and smile with happiness in your eyes. Scream with a joy in your heart. Be at peace in your soul.