Vasquez Rocks--What's Next?

A black lab and 50 year old showed me how scared I was yesterday. After I ran out of time at the Manhattan Beach Parking lot I decided to take a different route home and I found myself in Vasquez Rocks. If you never been, watch the latest movie of the Star Trek genre. Its Spock’s home world that gets destroyed. This 905 acres of national park is named after one California’s most notorious bandits. This land lies some thirty minutes north of Los Angeles and is easily one of the most recognizable scenery in the movie industry. This is part of the San Andreas Fault. If you seen the movies or TV shows Cars (Disney), AI, Saving Grace, CSI, they have been filmed here.

For some time, I have been saying I am going to go and this day I finally did. Drove into the first parking lot and said this where I needed to go. So I started off in the nature trail, then I realized that I forgot to chirp my car. Not realizing, there was another parking lot I noticed a car with a horse trailer drive past the first gate and said. Okay, I will follow him. So I got in my car and waited. An off-road motorcyclist decided to do his repair works behind my car and didn’t realize that I wanted to go back. Eventually he left and I entered the next parking lot.

I parked and headed through the juniper bush and Manzanita. There it was the rock that I have seen a million times off the 14 freeway. I’m here again. First time I was here. I found a cave with Shelly. Ah, another time. Anyways, I ventured through. Found Horse poop and lizards. Headed to the base of the rock, I saw a lady with a baby carriage and I thought, "How odd. Why is she bringing her child here? There was no way that she would be going up this hill.

From a distance, I could see people on top of the rocks and all I could think of is this rock climbers that go up El Capitan. Ever watch that movie, Cliff Hanger with Sly Stallone, those were the people that traversed the giant  rock. Then I took a closer look, there were kids on top of the hill. I said what the heck. How in the heck are those kids getting up there. I was dumbfounded. There climb was sheer climb, and 80 degree climb and it looked like went up forever.

Heard some music in the background and I thought there is something wrong with me. There is no stereo speakers around. Maybe this is an early sign of Alzheimer. All of sudden a Black lab, brushes against my leg and I jumped. A fifty year old looked up the giant rock and started to climb. She looked back and apologized for her dog scaring me. I said, “No Biggie.” Inside my heart was in arrest. There she was brown khakis and sun hat and she was scaling this mountain of a climb.  Quarter ways her and her dog were making their way.

Upset, I placed both my blackberry and camera and pocket and headed up. If this soon-to-be retiree and her dog can get up the hill, than I better go. Otherwise I will always be doubting my personhood. Midway up and out of breath, I found a little crevice and sat my ass down. More out of breath and amazed of the 50+year old’s gall, I turned around and looked at the view.

Bad idea. I have vertigo. Don’t remember when it started happening, but when ever look down I get dizzy and easily feel uneasy. Expecting something beautiful and feeling a cathartic experience, Instead I felt seasick. The world seemed to rock. I thought, "No it’s not an earthquake. I hope." There has only been an earthquake almost every day these last couple of weeks. On this day, Honshu, Japan had 6.6 and Indian 6.0 South Indian Ocean.  6.4 Kepulauan Obi, Indonesia Saturday. Three in Chile. (Recently subscribed to USGS earthquake alerts. Signed up since Tahiti and Columbia quake)

Took some pics. Took a swig of Dasani and said, "Better turn around and head up again." Didn’t want sit too long knowing fright might overtake me. Thoughts of calling 911 for a rescue did come to my head. Learned awhile back, rock climbers would call emergency for a rescue if climbers get stuck.  For some reason, the music I heard earlier was getting louder. Started thinking do all climbers hear music when the get closer to the summit. 

Well, I no longer saw the black lab and the soon to be retiree. I did see 2 grade schoolers looking down at me. What the Fuck! My hearts racing at 140 bpm and I’m getting out of breath and these two little shits are smiling and waving at me. I do my cardio five times a week. These kids did not pass me up this mountain. What the. . . !!! This fired me up. Got up the hill and found steady ground and looked at the view again. Still a bad idea with vertigo me. I sat down pretending to stabilize myself for a picture.

I looked on the other side and saw Horses and a crowd of people. Okay, there is another parking lot. Should have followed the other cars. I look down and saw group of five huddled around what I assume was the director. All wore jeans and various t-shirts. One stood out. He was holding a broad sword wore  in a Roman guard outfit. A man stands up and he raises his arms like O Cristo Redentor in Rio De Jinero. Suddenly, in slow motion he falls back. I thought he slipped and I reached for my pocket to call 911.

Guess, this was dress rehearsal, because the group of five (Now 4) caught the falling man. I then noticed Saw Film lights and heard a generator.  Music came on and I realized this was film about the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Guess, its a sign to head to Sunday Mass at 5:30 om.

Suddenly, I heard “Anya Ah Say O.” I looked up and saw a pack of Korean ladies dressed in green shorts and tourist sun-visors, bounding up the hill. Guess, its my thing to take the road less traveled. I realized the side of the hill I climbed up was the hard way. I answered “Kum Saw Me Da.” (Its thank you I think in Korean) She nodded and bounded past. Bitches. Never felt so old and scared. Suddenly, another grade schooler was climbing down the mountain above me. "Fuck," I think to myself. The grade schooler shouts, "I got ninja skills!!!"I agree. He's climbing down the hill like Spider-man. I look up. It’s the lady with the baby stroller.

Long story short, never realized how scared.  I looked up this hill. I thought, "Where did my courage go?" During my junior high years, I showed more moxie. During my first day of school, when I walked home by myself, I showed more courage. (My parents sent after the police. They thought I might have gotten kidnapped. They didn’t know I was already at home. I walked 3 miles and got inside my home by climbing through the bathroom window. I had to pee and I had no key. Mind over bowels every time)

Looking back, I doubt that I would have gone up that rock. Weren’t for the black lab and the fifty year, I would have turned back and marked this visit off my to do list. It made me realize that I have been scared for some time. Climbing hills, false bravado, and my vertigo scared me. What other things have I been afraid to do? Just realized these Doubt Gremlins had a spell over me.   Hopefully, this Truth has freed me under this cloak of Doubt. 

One must remember that we need to overcome our own personal mountains if others are to follow. Its true, we do stand on the shoulders of giants. We must have personal courage and climb these jagged mountains if we are to move up and move on. In time, these mountains will become molehills and we look back and say, “Yeah, I did that. What’s next?”

Karmic Dances

Manhattan beach parking lot. Next to lifeguard towers. Sand on my feet and my parking meter has nine minutes. Bootleg of Up in the Air is on my flash drive now. Planned on going to Michelle’s house but I got no word about it. They had a thing yesterday and I thought today. Maybe I am wrong. Left them a message on email and voice-mail.

Kevin and the kids are going to Papa’s dance recital. Surfers are gearing up. Ladies are paying for the parking meter. Dressed in funny outfits. Quarters drop in and drop out. They are overweight. All of them. I’m overweight, too, so I can say crap like that. Not happy with weight, but I’m working on that. Read a post of some guy with my last name. He made this girl cry. She wearing jeans and a fanny pack  was jogging down the street. He paused and said, “You’re fat.” She left teary eyed.

I started replying, “No comeback. Maybe this will prompt her to get in better shape and if she can’t take a joke fuck it.” I decided not to reply because didn’t really want to engage in Facebook conversation. I’ve learned that this out-loud brashness may be masking this Facebook friend's pain. This insensitivity and the need to create shock value for this person is either smoldering pain or just bluster. I am sure he has good inside and he knows what he is doing. I will say this, “Karma can be a Bitch.” The not so nice talk says a lot, but those that like to psychoanalyze, I will leave at that.

Spoke to Ms. Potter and I reminisced on not being so nice. “No, you can’t sleep here tonight.” “No, I don’t want to look up your skirt, I rather read a book.” ‘She Kisses like a lizard.” These words haunt me because I realized how stupid and mean I have been. Maybe I had the need to put a facade. Maybe the filter from my brain and mouth were shear. Yup, they were pretty transparent. To those I spoke these words to and about, please accept my apologies.

Didn’t mean to scar or hurt because I know choice words can leave oh so painful scars. Been judicious with my words for some time now. Plus, I have been more accepting of nature of people. Trying not judge and just to see people honestly and openly. Those I found that have the nature to so say not so nice things are really hurting inside. I see the nature of those that take years and years of unkind words. They lash out in pain and/or become stand-up comedians.

Can’t tell you how much I admire Rinnes and Jason. Suffered so unkind words and they flipped it. Lost weight and more focused than I will ever want to be. Another, she’s found a good man and has great kids. She found a calling and accepted the therapeutics of comedy.

Personally cringe a bit inside when I hear “Bad Boy. If you don’t do this, I will take this away.” I understand this and accept it.The raised voice is there. Heard and said it. I am not a parent, not a real parent, so I can’t comment or criticize. I can only observe and just listen. At times, I say and show a different way to handle things. For me, whenever shouted at or threatened, it only strengthened my resolve and it stirred my need for payback.

Well, I am trying to rid the hate in my heart. Don’t want to carry that Karmic headache. I understand the wrath and it is fun to lay down the wood, but its temporary. I try to bring love and laughter to heart that’s healing. Ocean waves are crashing. Parking lot time was up 25 minutes ago and I got to pee. Too much tea. Thank you, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.