Seventy Seven Minutes

It's been a few days. Sitting on the phone for the DMV. Yes, its been awhile. Lines at the DMV look even worse. Tried a few times, but the block long lines has been a great deterrent. Only a few more weeks to get this business done and it scares. Not anything life threatening, just the time spent in line. Its not a concert or a Disneyland ride. Its the DMV. Sure it must be done, but other things are taking precedents.

Tried getting on the internet to resolve this, but, of course, the data they have does not match their records.What I was hoping for smooth sailing, all it is choppy waters. Guess, this is an exercise in patience. My blood sugar feels low and the smell of food is wafting through the air. My olfactory nerves are firing those neurons. They're telling me to hang up the phone and try another day. Yet, the sunk cost on the phone is telling me otherwise. This seventies music is hauntingly eye closing. I'm being put into a trance that the someone human will answer soon.

Twenty minutes later and I still am hypnotize to believing that my call will be answered soon.

Still waiting. . .

And more waiting. . .

And yet more.

Its funny how left with the droning dulcet sounds of DMV wait music, one lets all these thoughts manifest. Two hour wait. . .I could watch a movie in that time. . .Been wanting to watch that movie Exodus. . .Christian Bale is good actor. . .So is the Actor that played Ramses. . . I liked him in that movie, Warriors. . .Soundtrack, storyline, actors, universal themes, relatedness. . .My former writing instructor loved that movie. . .Wonder how she's doing?   From her FB pics I've seen she may have gotten back together with her ex. . .They were on that TV shows about MILFs or Cougars. . .That one lady in Zumba is a MILF

Damn, the DMV message was not human. I don't care about the alternative options. I don't care about Vehicle registration. I don't care about filling a customer service survey. All I would like to do is get my license renewed and can you help me get that done without wasting hours waiting at DMV office. Guess its better here in the comfort of home. Here I can turn on the boob tube and make some chow. Netflix too. Well, guess I could do that the DMV with the tablet, but at times it smells there.

Phone says I have been on the phone for 35 minutes and still no human contact.

It could be worse, but at the moment I am too hypnotized to think otherwise.

"We value your feedback. . .Blah Blah Blah. . .Go on our website. . .Blah Blah Blah"

That gnawing sound. . .That is the music shredding the first protective layers of my brain. Cranium has already been decimated. Now its on the Dura Mater, the Arachnoid Mater, and soon the Pia mater. Wonder what section of the brain will go first. Temporal, Occipital, frontal, Parietal. Maybe it will fill up the meninges and suck out all the cerebrospinal fluid. What about the cauliflower looking thing? Cerebellum, Maybe its my spinal cord will wither away. Can't really muster the strength to get up and go. Legs are numb and my derriere is quickly atrophying.

Wonder if this violates the Geneva Convention? Maybe they can pass an addendum. Waiting for the DMV as a form of cruel and unusual punishment. Wonder if this waiting is. . .Waiting over. . .Please. . .Please. . .PLEASE!!!

So cruel. . .There was a quietness and voice came on. It was the message again. I don't care about the variety of services provided. I just want to speak to a human. I am betting Purgatory is a bureaucracy.

Eyes are watering. Nose is congested. Migraine is forming. 48 minutes and 44 seconds and still no human word. Horoscope did say, "Fools rush in where Angels fear to tread."

It also said, "Communication takes center stage as you engage with others who can help you achieve success. However, it's tempting to say too much or push the limits of a conversation too far, negating the positive gains already made. Your sense of urgency is based upon unnecessary fears."

Looks like its ripcord time soon. 53 minutes and still no love. Communication has taken center stage and I was hoping to engage soon. Well, I'll add some pictures and if nothing happens soon. I am pulling soon and parachuting out of this Dead Zone.

One hour and seventeen minutes. I am pulling the ripcord.

Moments Like These

Been up all night. Just too wired up to sleep. Too much penne and pesto, I guess. Slept early and woke up at 1 and just couldn't sleep. Looked up and its 5:35 am. Its a Sunday so headed to mass soon. Got to shit, shower, and shave in a minute. So I wanted to put something down before heading out. Once out, don't want to get back in until its time to check in.

Non Zumba day for me. It a Sunday and getting to class just isn't to happen. Good day yesterday. Did some grocery shopping and wandered around Target for some non-thinking time. Looked at the Roku and chromecast. Debating on whether to pick one up here or just use the mpoints and have it shipped. Either way not high priority. Yesterday was nice because wanted to take the girls for popcorn and a movie. It was Unbroken. Not bad flic. It was Angelina Jolie produced movie. Won't say it was the best I have seen. Just felt it could have been better. Maybe it was the ending. Maybe it was the directors choices in the storytelling. Flashback were important, just didn't get that "Uuumph" when watching a great movie. I mean you know when you see a great movie that will have some gravitas. My movie Gravitas include Matrix, Fight Club, Forrest Gump, Blair Witch Project, Something About Mary.

I am sure there are people will say there are far better movies than the ones chosen. However, we know movies that will have a cultural phenomenon. Movies that people will hit a chord. We all feel it. There are somethings that have a greater impact on others. Perhaps it was the nature of the event. Perhaps it was the quality of the people involved. Perhaps it was a plain day that was a precursor for something not so wonderful. Regardless there is a moment of self-actualization. It was the nascent of Flow. I assume we all have had these moments. A first kiss, a wedding, a day at the park with one that is no longer her. Winning basket, that pin or knockout under the arena lights.

There's a Joy that lifts us.

For me, it was bit like yesterday. Eating supper with the kids. Watching movies with Loved Ones. It was rainy beautiful. No past hangups. No future worries. Just the right now of the Moment. This blog was started to remind of us Hope and things that warms our thoughts at night. We wish moments like these would last more and more often. We get caught in the drudgery of the day. Commuting couple hours in the morning and night. We worry about keeping and getting that next paycheck. Worry there is food in the cupboards. We see people selling flowers by the golf park. We see vets with cardboard writings asking for help. We see people with plastic bags full of recyclable sifting through the trash. We see Homeless vets sleeping in front of the County Library during the middle of the day. Bags of trash dumped in open spaces. Tags of graffiti on housing track walls by the elementary schools. We see business closing shops like Panera and Pennys. We hear about terrorist attacks at on the news and hear about Police doing work slow downs.  We learn corporate business get bailed out and immoral CEOs jumping out with golden parachutes paid for the American Taxpayers. We hear elected officials guilty of adultery, laundering, and wasting.

There is so much to be upset about, So when these moments of Flow arise, it makes so much more rewarding and precious. Like a breath of fresh air for drowning man. Will just say, I wish that there was  more of an overflow of Flow.

Anyways, the sun will be rising shortly and I still need to ready myself for morning gifts. Need some G Time and get right with the Big Smile.

Delay Isn't a Denial

It was an accident.

Just looking on Facebook to see what the lady's name. Attending Zumba class on regular basis, one sees the same face often. Here and there we introduce ourselves. Some names are remembered and other times it falls in the recesses. One smiles in recognition and yet name recall fails. After awhile, let's say a year, smiling happens but name exchange fails. In time, a long time, we just smile. Don't want to be rude and ask their name again because to not know their name would be "sucky"

Well, that happened to me. In my pursuit to find a person's name, one inadvertent tap on the Iphone screen may have sent a friend request to a fellow Zumbaer. I say this because I got a Facebook friend acceptance. Hardly know this person. I know who this person is because I am often behind her in class. She is close companion of the one I like to watch move. This one is always on point and is light on her feet. If she denied the request, I would have never known this request was sent. Now I am afraid that mistake may sent the wrong message.

Don't want to make more of than what it is. Its nice getting accepted. It would have been awkward. Probably is anyways. So here it goes.

Its these accidents, It happens more often than naught. Few days back, I was headed to Lancaster. Taking the back roads, I had this feeling I should have turned left on Avenue P. Almost to Avenue M, I see cars taking a left. Normally, this does not happen. Heading left would mean driving toward the airport, and eventually turning back to Palmdale. In other words, I would be making a U turn. At the four way stop, a police car had the road block. Should have made a left when that feeling hit.

Of course, I had to be in Lancaster in less than twenty minutes. On Avenue P, it was going to be longer because there are more lights and the train tracks had a fifty-fifty chance of being blocked off. Got on Avenue P, and there it was a single lane. Yeah, orange sign saying "Right lane closed. "Figures, normally a twenty minute drive was close to be an hour drive delay. Not the plan I had. Being late is one of my pet peeves.

Finally getting where I needed to be, it looked like my delay was right on time. Person I needed to see was headed to small claims court. She was in a fender bender with an uninsured motorist. Apparently the third car in the driveway, the one with the damaged right front end, had someone hiding in the front seat. Not thinking it was anything worth of note, I went into the house to the open door to meet my friend. Asking my friend what's the story with the damaged car and the person sitting inside. She had no idea who the person in the car in the driveway.

Both of us walking outside, we see the dust fly in the air. She recognized the car and it apparently was the road rager that hit her car. Not saying anything would have happened to my friend if I had been there on time. Really don't want to think that way. Yet I can't escape the feeling, I was there when I was supposed to be.

When these unforeseen delays just manifest themselves over and over. I don't hold this frustration and anger as long as I used to. These gremlins I no longer rage over. Don't want label                    these incidents as "happy" accidents. Just seems that incidents are just curve in the road that needs to be driven through. Just have the faith based belief, that all will be revealed.

So this surprise friend request, I will just shrug it off and say "Thank you" Bigger plan is out there and I just pray that all will be revealed.

Why Change?

Morning write, its been some time. Welcoming the Flow. Got much done early and I find that I am needing an afternoon nap more often than before. Got crunchers and planks out of the early. Caught up for the missed one the day before. Same with the push ups too. It seemed easier than before. Maybe it was the breakfast and lunch that fueled me. Nonetheless, it was nice not being sore. Perhaps I pushed through the place where aching muscles live.

Its  that initial push. Its the acceptance of the backslide. Its the moving on, where wishes meet habit. Beginning of the New Year is always a good place to begin anew. Its a time to start over. Let go what's been holding you back. When I hear people breaking resolutions, I find it a habit of negative self confidence. That acceptance of being less than your expectations. Sure there are reasons people fall, but to say it so depressingly. To accept what has been done before as reasonable excuse. It so defeatist. They may cry its not realistic expectation. I answer than Why? If the initial condition is not satisfying than alter, Alter attitude or change condition. Accept what you can't and fight for what you can. It seems an easy formula to understand.

I think its challenging to execute.

There are so many reason why people fail. A lot of it seems self defeating. Just need to find that reason to succeed. Making it inevitable. Making the result an afterthought. Finding that place in your mind where it manifest. It seems once that place is found all the vibrations in the world make that a reality. We subconsciously/ consciously create that world.

Guess this is why I have been drawn more to the arts of late. Drawing. Origami folding. Posting blogs. Its this need to create. Its this need to let subconscious Flow. Perhaps this a first step to Maslow's Actualizing. Being All You Can Be. This idea that thought are substantive. Seeing and appreciating the arts more makes me realize more and more of its importance.

From a View

Devil's Chair at the Devil's Punch Bowl. This has been one of my bucket list items. It scares me. Do I have the lungs for it? Will I faint going up from the desert to the forest? Will this three hour walk? Will it be too much? I am fearful because I don't want to overestimate my fitness.

Saw relatives take picture from this place.Couple of little grade schoolers and sister in laws no older than me. I Zumba regularly. I can ride a bike for a couple of hours straight. I can lift and crunch better than some. So why does this 3.3 miles worry me. It worries me because it scares me. Don't want to look foolish. Don't want be stupid with my heart. It scares me because there is doubt. It scares me because there are real world life ending possibilities.

Limitations scare me.

So what now? Can't put it off too much longer. I will be too old and my health well. . .Let's leave it at that.

In light of New Year's Resolutions, I really need to consider that whether I should keep this on the list.

Guess, we face these realities all the time. We ask do we have to the stuff to make it happen. We ask is it worth the price to be paid. Is the risk, well, is it worth it? We fall into these patterns. Deciding to take a leap? We ask should you go say "Hi" and talk to that person that catches your eye. We should decide to go two 45s when bench pressing. We should decide to take that Zumba class for the very first time.

Its scary. Spinning is one that I have concerns. Devil's Punch Bowl at the Devil's Chair is another. Saying Hi to Smoky and the Tatted One. Its these little things we all must face. Too long in the hiding and fear grips us. Opportunities missed and Life is less lived. This is what scares me the most.

So if I fall and can't get up, I think its better than not jumping at all. So Jump.

Twenty One

Twenty one years goes by fast.

"Just flew by," Roberta said. That phone call in Victorville. That hole in the wall. She left and I wasn't ready to follow. The two came by my work and like that it has been two decades. So many chances to make the course corrections. Still, the dye was cast and life happened.

Much has happened since that moment. It all matters little because my vision is tunneled. No time to wallow. No need to either. That part has passed and the endless joys and pain, well, its run its course. Moments are gone. Twenty one years of them. A blank page is tomorrow. A life has been lived with more to come. I am on the next incarnation of me. She is on her new journey. Maybe will connect? Maybe we won't? Not sure.

Two decades flew and many unforeseen events have happened. So I will pray for her well being. I will have her in my thoughts. I will pray that happenstance connects us.

Big Smile, please allow her an incredible day. Please allow her an incredible life filled with joy and adventure. Please help her find her place in the Circle.  HBD, Em.

Dog Gone

So I write. Cocoa is gone. Neighbors up the street called County. Best guess she is pound in Lancaster. Offered to get her, but consensus there is more lip service. At the least, sentiments there. Not sure how real it is. Always found actions speak louder.

Waiting for Zumba, Smoky was there. Tried not giving too many cues, but I suspect I was announcing more than intended. Saw the play with the hair. The head tilt. The light brush and eyes tilted. Could not notice. Gave the high five at the end of class. I try not to be obvious with intentions. Just to easy to go down that road. One I am not ready to journey.

Mentioned a security officer checking in. Body language I knew this was a prospect looking to join. Cues were pretty obvious. Person reached for his back pocket two to three times. He asked about price and this guy was a slam dunk. Given the right closer. Bobby the manager should be adept. Security guard left with a keytag and I knew he joined. Watching the cues is something I like to do. The arms crossed this way. Facial expression. Mirroring the body language.

Before Zumba, I knew there would be tension. A couple weeks back there was an altercation between the Japanese realtor and the Spanish lady. There was a mob in a sense writing up complaints about her after class. So there was obvious tension brewing and I knew a little levity would be need to point out the obvious. "Security guard was for the Zumba class." Smoky got it and laughed.

We only have so many ticks on the clock to make an impact. Spent part of the day, thinking about Cocoa. She was there early in the morning. Right when I was leaving to go to the gym, she was up and waiting. Later in the day I learned she was taken. Missed moments to make an impact. Guess, this is why I said what I said about the Security Guard. I wanted to make an impact. To be there more than just a body.

There are times when one wants to be small. There are times when one wants to be larger than life. Knowing when comes timing. Reminds me a bit of Sun Tzu. Ebb and Flow. Large and small. It all matters. We fall into these patterns and before too long we let them define who we are. We are more than what is expressed. We decide how and what we are. At moments notice, we can be more that what we've been. We just need the courage to re-define ourselves. When the moment is gone, its gone.