A missed flight and the trajectory of his life changed forever. A crash he was never in. A bigger purpose he had. Music was his love, but another Love—Bigger and Better—was found. Was it better? Was it bigger? This I do not know. But I would like to think so.
A higher calling was found and he answered. Ministering and calling those who will listen and have audience for the Big Smile.
It’s funny how an accident here can have a lasting effect on all those that follow. Perspectives change. Attitudes are re-examined. Anger, denial, bargaining fills the void. We ask hard questions of ourselves. We make decisions and we got to live with them. We go askew. We discover our detour leads to a life never imagined. Cross roads in our lives leads us to places we were supposed to go. We make decisions. We need take these life lessons in order to make us ready for decisions in front of us.
He spoke with me in confidence once. Not sure if he was sensing my dilemma or maybe he was unburdening the heavy weight on his soul. Whatever the reason, I found solace and serenity in his letting down his guard. A man of God, he spoke. He was angry, deeply angry at the Big Smile. This one afternoon, we were sitting just waiting for his daughter, my friend. He said at times he goes out in the desert to scream, Scream at God. Don’t recall how the conversation evolved for him to say these words, but they brought comfort to me.
Why? One may ask. Life had been changing for me in clips I wasn’t ready for. Rochelle passed from cancer and I was angry. So angry. Got mad at Father, Teachers, Friends. Moved away from friends I liked. Gone from a place that was my Home. Embarrassed by life circumstances and angry with everything at the moment, he said he would go out at the desert and scream at God. Wow, this was a concept that blew me away. How can someone be angry at God? How can someone minster the word and be angry at the one has given the word? He said, he loved God, but at times did not understand the mysteries in front of him. There was a rage. He was troubled by this dilemma. Being angry at the one he loved.
It never registered such a concept existed. Thought I was in outer space. The one that bestows the many gifts of life can also fire such anger and animosity. Can people can be angry with the Big Smile? Guess, they can. He said, he did. This made it easier for me. Life situation happened. One could love family and friends and still be angry with them. I just loved who they are and that was enough. I forgave them for cross words and impolite unpleasantries. However, being angry at God made it okay to be angry and others. I knew that being angry was short-lived emotion and I knew these feelings would pass. It made okay to love my Loved Ones, but be angry at their behaviors.
I was never quick to anger. However, once the fuse was lit, the fire would be hard to quench. Burn, baby. The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, let the mother fucker burn. Burn mother fucker. Burn. Burn. Burn. This was the attitude I had at the time. Held it for some time, but did not know it at the time. Just the way I did things. I used this fire to accomplish some things. Things I was proud of. It was just sublimation. It worked for me at the time.
Having feelings that were alien to my belief system did not sync. It brought me incongruity, a disjointedness. His words brought me peace knowing the Big Carl had feelings similar to mine. I was angry at life and couldn’t blame the people around because they were dealing with similar stuff. It wasn’t their fault, but I still felt angry. Angry at who? God, but I just didn’t know it at the time. Sure there were others that I had legitimate beef with, but that too has passed.
That simple conversation made a world of difference on my attitude of life. Could have remained angry. Could have projected on to others who didn’t deserve it. Could have denied the feelings and beliefs with myself. Could have kept on sublimating, but that would not resolved the true root cause.
Its not easy at times to deal with the challenges we face. Its not without purpose we go through the trials. There is purpose and meaning to events in our lives. Perhaps it is the human condition rationalizing incredible events? Perhaps it is make believe that we live in and there is not Big Smile at all. However, I don’t think that is true. Could be atheist and believe no God exist. Or I could be an agnostic and hedge my bets. Or I can believe that there is the Alpha/ Omega and there is bigger plan to all the chaotic randomness we live in. At times, things are taken from us because we need to go a different way. Had to do this with my nephew because continuing in certain behaviors would be worse. At the time, I didn't see the big picture. I did not understand the Bigger purpose.
Inspiration, understanding, free will—these are gifts that we must all cherish. Choice is yours. Messages are all around. All I can say is this keep your eyes and your heart open. Carl, thank you for sharing with me. It helped me to let go and let God.
A higher calling was found and he answered. Ministering and calling those who will listen and have audience for the Big Smile.
