Getting to okay

Her birthday is tomorrow and I've already given a gift. I would like to give more but I don't think it will be received well. To do so, may make things uncomfortable. A line has been defined and this conversation has been discussed many times. I've been told maybe I'm not getting it. Words no other feelings more than a friendship.

I know all this. I've known all this. Still, I remain stupid. Don't want to jeopardize friendship but I've made a few attempts to end it. Clearly I'm not strong enough yet to say goodbye and mean it. Timing has been off. Or she doesnt have any feeling like that. She said so.

I'll be gone in a few days. Doing a roadie with family. She'll be gone on couple of vacation too. Probably won't see her until the end of the month. Might be good because this fondness is ...

Don't want to label it. However, I find her incredible. Attractive, smart, and with a joy. She's vulnerable and strong. She's considerate and kind and I hate her. Well that's what I used to say. It was akin to say Bad is good. Hate to ...you get it. It was the sign off.

Given the current trajectory I don't imagine anything more. Feelings of loss, a passing of sorts. Acceptance in feelings. An acceptance of words. Soon an acceptance in action. Then that will be it. Karma has shown me the possibilities I never imagined a few months earlier. It will close this window and I'm sure another door will open. Still I like this door. But that would be selfish of me. What are values unless they are tested and hardened by action.

Fate had me take a chance to talk with another. Showed me a likely scenario. Real life example of choices gone awry. I've met a few of the players and it would not be right. I dont want to inconvenience any.

I talked because it flowed. Connection fed. Yet, it stopped and I found myself wanting. Now, I find my self weaning off and I feel sadness.

It's an acceptance thing. Got angry, denied,

bargained and now depression and acceptance soon to come. This time not so hard. Had angel wings soften the blow and quicken the stages.

 I know. Something more, these feelings stir. May not be for her...anymore. I'm getting to okay with this.

I'm Done

I'm Done.

"In terms of a relationship, it might be time to get distance from a situation where ones was not exactly bringing the best in you. You will be alright by yourself, don't worry." Its what today's horoscope said. Tomorrow reads, "You're at an important fork in the road of your life that requires you leave some important people behind. But saying goodbye to them will be surprisingly easy when you take a moment to look at all you have to gain by moving on. Plus, they support you 100 percent. Staying on same path is a mistake,  so you are wise and brave to take an unfamiliar path. You only have to gain from taking this journey. So get ready to embark upon one of the most rewarding phases of your life!" from "Astrology.com" Not sure I am two feet in with astrological forecast. I do believe in Self -Fulfilling prophecies. We have script in our head that our unconcscious buys and then we go and make these things happen.

Recently, came to the revelation, parts of my life was lacking. Three or four months, social life turned up a few gears. Reconnected with old friends, started opening self to people, and I started crushing on one lady I shall call an "Impossible."

Long story short, read above. Not that I am angry at situation. (That much) It was a stirring. Made me realize, that I want to be #1 in a person's life. Shared my experience discretely with trusted confidants. It was new and exciting. Depressing and soul crushing. Yet made me realize, I am ready for a roller coaster. Been hermiting myself for some time. I have shed some weight metaphorically and physically. Feels a bit of a graduation.

My confidence is higher by unsolicited comments and I find it motivating. Making me feel lighter. Been connecting with the Big Smile by going to His House and just being thankful. Its the connectedness. Not alone, but part of something bigger. A bigger plan and place in the story. 

Its been a journey and from what it states with the forecast, a Price needs to be paid for the next phase. Not an easy price, since this one seems Perfect. Hits all my sweet spots. Dancer, full of joy and love, classy and unpretentious, and Impossible. This journey has been eye opening I realize my impossible standard has been setting up wall of other possibilities. Building a fortress around my heart so as not to be two feet in other situations. It was a safe place to be. Admire from afar and not commit to right now. This was an effective strategy for awhile. Got things done and still was able to make connections. Not strong ones, but connections. In time, connections and relationships grew and have taken root.

Water under the bridge and then there is no turning back. Looking back, I knew this was happening and I would be at this place right now. Remembering the Future. That phrase stuck with me. Remembering the Future. Looking at the trajectory and seeing possible placements. Nothing is certain until its unleashed.

Maybe its some Karmic preview.

We meet the people we are supposed to meet them at the time we need to meet them. Reconnected with Blue Sock and Shazam. Now Serendipity. May never happen.  My public quote on social media "The most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become." --WEB Dubois

Looks like that this is tomorrow.

Discovered why I like dance/ Zumba so much. Discovered who I was always dancing with. Discovered why I am attracted to certain types and certain relationship. I knew the craziness and the likely eventuality of this course of action. Everyone told me and I still wanted to endear. I wanted to go through the process. Win or Lose. I was afraid that if I didn't go, I would never go. So Jump, I did. Not fair being a half person to myself or others.

I know it doesn't need work. It should be easy. Busy and no time is not an excuse. A blow to the self-respect need not be part of the equation. "...not bringing out the best you"--That is what's been happening. Not being the best me and by definition needs to go.

I define my freedom. Freedom from irrational beliefs. Freedom from toxic situation. Freedom from chains of the past and the duties of tomorrow.

Leave important some important people behind. If they come, they come. If not thank you for being there when I needed you. Hope exchange was fair.


I am ready.

I am done.