Heeding the Mighty Howls of the Shih Tzu

Hour of the wolf and what wakes me up are the yelping of a shih tzu/ poodle mix. "Aawooo!!! Aawoo!!!  Aawoo!!!" In my dreams it was the howling of some long powerful lupine. When I woke it looked more like a Chihuahua. Guess it could be worse. Pee on the carpet or Poop in the corner. Could ignore the call of the wild, but the other possibility. . .well, I just got up. Thought that maybe before my rhythms reset, I best listen to the winds of the muse. It is said, this time, middle of the night is when all the cosmic energies are swirling around waiting for a host share its voice. Been awhile since I answered her call. Too long.

Maybe best that I listen to the muse. Listen to the creative juices before they leave me. Best answer and this early morning call. On the East Coast, many people would be walking out the door and starting my day. Here I am listening to the water from my aquarium flow and the air from the CPAP blow. White noise that one ignores until its all silent. Silence from the muted TV. Silence of the people sleeping in the house. Silence from the day yet to waken in a mere couple of hours.

So what gets me up? The idea that if I don't rise, I will wake to evening accident of an overfilled bladder of a mutt. Could be worse. Hearing some of the terrible stories. Flint, Michigan their waters a lead poisoned. Children will not be cured. There is none. Mothers going to clinics knowing their children will have lifelong neuorological damage caused by corrosive water pipes and a poor budget choices. Warnings were there. Auto factories stopped using water because it was corroding the metals. EPA agent warned of this disaster but the boss ignored and tried to quiet the angry storm. A governor apologizes and begs for Emergency Help.

Less than half an hour from me, the earth of Porter Ranch is leaking clouds of methane gas in the air. Children are getting nosebleeds and headaches. Dogs, cats, and horses are reported on the news similar symptoms. Schools and homeowners are relocated to avoid the invisible gas. Yet like one deep horizon oil well spewing  hundreds  gallons of oils per hour, fouling the seascape around, the businesses claim no wrongdoing and no responsibility. They claim the people are safe and yet all the evidence to the contrary. They blast whistle blowers calling their science ridiculous.

Its an angel in the dark. Like a child caught wrongdoing and they appeal that their right is just. They hope this distraction will divert the attention of the parental unit.Imagine its like the drunk driver feigning responsibility for the destruction caused and saying its was only buzz driving. One could get angry, but I am sure many of us didn't heed our better angels.Every evening we hear stories of evils that could have been avoided. Maybe its our nature to bite the apple. Maybe we weren't supposed to live in the Garden. Lesson learned hopefully its not too late.

Heeding to the call of  the yelping dog seems a better choice than dealing with all the crap of inconvenience and ignorance. Is the price to pay for stewardship is handling business of nature?

We are told that there is rumblings in the background. The clarion call of upcoming doom. The signs are written on the wings of angels. Heed . Or Don't. Failing infrastructure, global warming, signs of recession--we can relegate these to white noise that many ignore. But while we sit still in the late evening of the comforts of our bed, the water continues to flow. The invisible gas leaks poisoning house and home. Ignore the signs. Sleep while the dog howls. Wake up to shit and piss the next day.

Or. . .

Or. . .

Or. . .Get the F#&K up and take her for a walk. Deal with crap now or live with crap just steps away. Wake Up and Walk. Please.

Story Goes. . .

. . .And I don't want that.

I have a post that's been sitting in draft for a couple years. Knowing when I wrote it, it would be some time before I would be ready to read it. Not sure if I will ever post it. Just story that I am not sure if I will be ready to tell. Wonder how many of us has these stories within us?

Been holding on to another story and I need to let it out. Been researching for some time.  Been neglecting her. Listened to part of an audiobook by the author, Eat, Pray, Love. She goes on about how she had story about young mid-western lady going to Brazil to find her boss's missing son and money. Life got in the way and she put it down for a couple of years for various reason. She met an admired author and later learned that the story that she had intended to finish, well, it left. Unbeknownst to her, with a kiss, the story found another storyteller. Over lunch they both learn, that it went to her new found BFF, the newly friended admired author sitting across the table.

After hearing this I was prompted, aka a kick in the butt, if I don't write it this story will be moving on to another writer. Well, its long overdue. She needs to be freed. She needs to dance. Her story needs to be told. Don't want to let this story down. I liken it to dancing girl in front of you. She's shaking her hips, calling with her hands that she doesn't want to dance alone. One could stay seated, like so many others that don't have their potential realized. But when the Muse calls, even a baby knows to stand up. Enough of that. This declaration needed to be said aloud. Assurances need to be made and action needed to be taken.

There are many songs out there. Many stories that need dancing partners. However, catching up on some 365 projects--catching up with some 5 things I am grateful for.--catching up with drawing projects--catching up with pictures to be posted--one lest not forget Priority Number #1, get story written. Some songs/stories are classics.

There was a lady, I thought was my soul mate. Events occurred and things never seemed right. Timing was off. One person was here and the other there. One was on the East Coast, the other West. We switched places. She on the East and I lived on the left coast. This person was with someone and the other wasn't. Situation switched again. Emotionally, physically, spiritually--it was close, but not enough for that Jump. Now this person is M-ed. Didn't even realize this person was divorced or separated. When I discovered the last name changed, well, Fuck. My perspective change. My Attitude altered in some imperceptible way. Would take aerobic classes because it felt like I was with her. . .with her dancing.

Admittedly, I didn't like Zumba classes so much after the discovery of her newlywed status.  Reminded me of George Michael song, "Never going to dance again, guilty feeling got no rhythm." Left a class early because, I was feeling angry and I wasn't sure why it bothered me so. It was weeks after and I was upset. No. Rejected, dejected, and plain aghast. Anyways, that moment passed and I've moved on. Guess its true, Emotions causes Motion. Frankly, I occasionally get "Let's get the "F" out of here" feeling. Sometimes I act, but this is waning.

Its hard some time and life gets in the way of hopes and intentions. Half of this month is already gone and there is so much work to be done. What about those New Year's Resolutions. Almost ate a breakfast burrito and drank a diet pepsi this afternoon. Here only sixteen days of swearing off drive ins and soda for three months.

Deep breath and take little steps of this incredible journey. Horoscope said I needed to buckle down these next few days. Glad it did. Needed some words to get me moving. There is much life to be lived. Life that needs to written down. Stories to be told. Don't let them dance alone.

Not the post I first expected, but I hope it inspires one to get off their duff and go do what needs to be done. Get to stepping.

Hill Climbing

Climbed a hill today. It was Monday. Had Coco and thought its time to conquer this hill. Its morning. Energies rising and I had to be somewhere in an hour. Best get going and not think too much about it. Its not the first time I've been up here. Its the first time I decided to go farther. It was Pelona Vista Park. Overlooking the Highway 14 Freeway. Its also where the San Andreas Fault line is said to be located. From driving on the freeway, one can see the layers of the mountainside. Different colors signifying the displacement. Now I am on top and overlooking. If there was an earthquake this where the shift would happen. There were motorcycle tire tracks   in many areas. The barbed wire fence was stretched out so people can overlook the freeway. Actually someone posted a little sign saying "Have faith. . ." I think it was deterrent for any suiciders. Not me. Reminded me of the phones on the Golden Gate Bridge saying "Don't"

Had to stop and catch my breath as I was Hill climbing. Its funny how fast I became winded. I mean I can do a doubler in Zumba but climbing a Hill. I need to take a break and catch my wind. Guess body is unaccustomed to that physical strain. Don't want to beat myself up too much. I do have CHF and I haven't trained my body for that.

Its funny on my journey of recovery. I remember stopping at the freeway just to take a picture of the mountainside striation. I remember capturing the runner just squatting by the mountain. He must have been doing the same thing I was doing just watching the cars whiz by. Freeway reminds me of an artery or vein. All the cars and trucks would be red blood cells carrying their cargo to their destination. Some home. Some to school. Some to work. Picking up and dropping off people. Place to rest and regain energies. Place to drop off waste and jettison unwanted cargo.

Walking up the Hill like any hill is looking at the view. Could see Lake Palmdale. Could see the school and Hospital. Lowes and the Hotels. Could see the mall and all the cars whizzing by. You could also hear the planes overhead. Racing in the sky as a sea of clouds pass overhead. The Juniper and Joshua trees smells with muddied soil. Rain couple of nights ago. My New Balances felt unbalanced. Here's the link Walk long enough you are bound to see yourself

As I started heading down the mountain, I could see the walkers doing their circle around the park. Coco is barking at the dogs that can't see her. The vans with the special needs people are in the parking lot now. I stand for the moment, taking it all in. All my problems--All my issues--All my stuff--it no longer felt so heavy. With the change of altitude. my attitude changed. Felt more at peace in the day. The size of the stuff no longer weighed me. I wonder if that is why people call it "Getting High"?

In any event, its almost time to meet the SandMan.

Quo Vadimus

 Third attempt to write this post. This stream on consciousness right now isn't working. Putting thoughts to post. Ain't working. Feeling some residual anger. Feeling heated. Electric blanket is warming me and my temperature's risen. Not sure if its from an event that happened earlier. Won't get into it. Maybe its because of something I couldn't do nor can do. This feeling trapped in a situation of my own doing.

Deep breath. Hold it. Release. Again deep breath. Hold it. Release,

Okay, legs free from the heat. Now me and the keyboard. 

Let's see. Let's look back a little and see where we've been. Started writing my blog a few years back. Started with my former neighbor's son dying. He was an terrible accident. Four friends got in a wreck. Four crosses on the side of the road. Wrote about a former wrestler leaving their shoes on the mat signifying they left it all on the mat. Written abut Kanye and Taylor Swift debacle. Wrote about playing in the hospital when I was younger. Lot of the post was about ENS. Messed up here. Wish I could turn back the clock and be better than I am. Wrote about family and friends.

So what should I write about now. Its been more than seven years since that life event and by all rights I am different. A different person than when I started. Some things are the same. Others different. Who am I now and who do I wish to be. Life is not stagnant. A force. 

 

So what force is guiding me? What force is teaching me? What Force is it? Let's start by this. I believe in the Big Smile. I believe much of my issues are my own doing. Moreover, the methods to resolving these issues are within me. 

Where to now? Okay, while Google is looking this up, lets review my bucket list. Learn a new language. Learn Spanish. Learn Tagolog. Read 500 books. Write a book. Eat an Ostrich Omlete. Make Eggs Benedict. Little things. Big Things. There's more obviously. But what are the Core Dreams--Core Values--Core Actions? Well, I think 2016 will be this time of exploration. May need to revise the mission for this blog. May just to review. Whatever happens, quitting is not in my nature and does not sit with me well. To those that read, thank you. 

Quo Vadimus means. . .

Brief

Yesterday tried writing a post. Couldn't get past the first paragraph. Started with "Snow covering the San Gabriels. Clouds blanketed tops of the mountain. . ."After that it fizzled. Lack of au jus was the fate for yesterday's post. Zumba with Lucy and no weight training left me uninspired. So now, read a couple of Stormwatches. Haven't scanned any instagram and lost a chess match to my cousin. So I'm perturbed.

Had a brief shut eye. Coco is still catching hers. So I write with a deadline. Need to stop by the library to return some overdue materials in time to make it a Lito Zumba class. We'll see how it goes.

Let's listen. Filter for the aquarium is flowing. Fish, snail, and ghost shrimp I hope are still moving. Room is untidy. Books on the floor. Yesterday's clothes are strewn on the floor. Didn't make the hamper. Cups of water on the dresser. Window shades are covered, but the sunrays are making its weigh. Coco is besides me. Her stomach is moving up and down. She's alive. No snoring so I'm guess she's being all ninja like. Below the bed are tablets and phones being charged.

Not sure if my thermal will be appropriate gym ware. TV is off. Its better that way not to get too engaged to the story. Got my own to write. What's on the agenda? Bucket list stuff. Maybe I can finish December 2015 by night's end. Should get 365 project caught up. 5 things I am grateful for, too. Discovered from emails that the camera from store should be ready. I'll check next week. If I go to Barnes and Nobles, I'll stop by the Buy and pick her up.

House is quiet. Except for the filter. I am sure fish and ghost shrimp make noise. Just have listened yet. Room needs cleaning. Will do that tonight too. Lito's class should be up. He's usually an energized class. Coco is in REM now. her paws are twitching. Eyelids and ears too.Her breathing is more rapid and staccato. I wonder how my sleep is. Must be sight. Been having some dreams. Have done my dream log for a minute.

Times up. Let the day begin again.

Sponges

Its her birthday today. Didn't write much. She hasn't said much the times I've messaged. What do I do? Move on while Hope is waning. Shaking my head, I will just suck it up. Its my own doing. Wasn't there. How can I expect things to change? Time we spend is what matters. Yup, messed up here. Just keep my head down and plug away. Maybe in the next life things will be better. For now, HBD.

Spent part of the day in Starbucks. Catching up on journal entry. Good couple hours writing a blurb. Trying to recall the past. Putting in my 2015. Over hundred days to remember. Last couple of days been attacking December. trying to make some headway. November next. 30 days unrecorded. Just close my eyes and persevere. This one trait I am happy to have. See it til the end. Madamoiselle Blackett said, "Sticktuitiveness." I've always liked that. Resolved when I play chess, to never resign. Its rough at times. I know victory is unlikely and yet, I refuse to end. Rather fight and figure a ways to forestall the inevitable. Pulled off a few draws when by all rights I should have a tally on the loss column.

Watched part of an ESPN documentary on "Dan Gable" Legendary wrestler. Through a troubled time he sought to bring his family together by being the hero. Sister assaulted and killed, he focused his energies to be a better wrestler. Three time State champ, three time NCAA champ, two time Olympic Gold Medalst. National Champion Coach several times over. He is the perennial wrestling icon. He said, its not that he Wanted to Win. He Needed to Win.


Did a doubler today. Once with Theresa. another with Cindy. Did my 1085 crunchers. Even got some bicep work. Diet logged it and wrote exercise routine. If anything, how will this insight be tied in to this post. How is this all related. What was the meaning for this day? Was it the rain? Was it the no response? Was it the time putting thought to paper. Was it watching Mongol, then Dan Gable story? How is this all related?

All I could think of write now is how a sponge eats. Its through a filtration system,. All these forces are pushes water and nutrients through the mouths of a sponge. Some food get stuck through these whole. good stuff comes in and waste goes out. The Sponge keeps what it needs. It seems these little coincidences, the stories we watch and listen to. The words that were said years ago. The silence to questions asked. Doing doublers in a day. All these things effect us. May not know it at the time. But these insight, revelations, it matters. Keep what we need. Let go to stuff that anchors us. Not beholden to hurt and hardship.

A lady driving up down the parking lot asked me something out of her car. Think it was gas money. Didn't have any to spare with my gas tank light beaming yellow. It scares me a bit. How people can risk driving around with no money for gas. Desperate it is troubling. Would people give me a dollar if I were in a similar situation.

When I stopped by the gas station, one homeless person pushing a cart was going through the station's trash can. I was ready to hand him the empty dasani bottle I was going to throw away. However, when I turned my head, he was already headed out the parking lot. After paying for gas, I heard a man sitting by the entrance say, "Hi" to me. He may have been homeless. It was raining and dark and he just said, "Hi" I think I said "Hello" back. While pumping gas, I heard a shout, "I don't need your help!!!" Must have been man sitting at front. To me it was cry for dignity. Saying "Hello" was an act to be recognized. To be more than someone to be ignored. My heart hurt a little. It soared a little too. Sad because it was cold, rainy and windy. I wondered if he would be warm tonight. I was warmed that this fellow had some fight.

All these observations. These events. These moments. We see what see. All over. Humanity is around. We filter these moments and it makes us grow. These moral moments. Building and strengthening our Soul.

My eyes feel heavy now. Think the Sandman is beckoning.

For Now. . .

Coco is sleeping on my leg right now. She's sprawled out, lying on the warmth of the electric blanket. I would say she's tired but she sleeps all day. In the morning, when I put my shoes on, she all ready to go. She knows we walk in the morning. when I can go she knows that its her chance to get me to go for a walk.

When I come home she sings to me. Maybe yell, "Where have you been? You better pick me up and hold me." Right now her ears are twitching. She's going to snore soon. Sounds more like a whistle.

I see her face. Not Coco. Its someone from a distance. Sitting by the door. Next to daycare. There she's going to pick up her kids. Her man I sense some distance. Maybe its wishful thinking. Maybe there is space, a gap. Troubling part of relationship. I've seen the byproduct of that. A former best friend said, "He thinks his Mom is having an affair." Not sure what I was supposed to say at that time. It troubled him. I assume in any long term relationships, there are moments where faith is challenged. However, he was taking the brunt of someone else's assumed indiscretion. Seeing the look on his face. It hurt seeing the pain he was feeling.

Coco is lying here and she is loyal. She misses me when I am gone. I take for her walks and feed snacks that she likes and aren't necessarily best for her coat. She comes when I call. . .well, most of the time. She bites others when she others try to take her from me. I'm her favorite.

People aren't dogs. Being Loyal is a choice. Circumstance changes. Being married is supposed to be death do us part. Still so many. . .

I see pictures posted on FB and I wonder? How many are just highlights of staged moment. I see the eyes of some people and I wonder. Maybe its a red flag and my vision is skewed? I dunno.

It was over a month ago I learned a long time friend got married. Didn't even know she was divorced or separated. Now she is "M"-ed. WTF. Okay that is off my shoulders. Still its relevant to this post.

So where does the blog post go now? Really, I don't know. This uncertainty. . .I'm okay with. close one (friend/family) I leave it uncertain in respect to those close. Anyways, I see one person married and I wonder why did this happen? I suspected there was ulterior motive. Dire circumstances and this route was a way to stay this folly. Another wedding I was part of. Had seriously considered being the person  ". . .If there is anyone that has reason to stop this marriage or forever hold thy peace." I chose to hold my peace. At times i wondered if this what I should've done. Now this person is isolated from family. No conversation. No contact. I am not sure they know they are living in the same city.
Was that the right decision.

Won't judge those that have been less than perfect. Its not my place. Because I know for certain that i have less than ideal in my eyes. Its hard to be loyal at times. So when I see the person across the way. She waves and I think to myself. . .Maybe? Than I say, "No" Won't be party to breaking up something long-lasting. Just wouldn't be fair and to be the reason for someone's failed relationship. . .Well I don't like having that kind of Karma. Maybe I am fated to be alone. I am okay with that. Just as long as I don't feel lonely. So far, so good. Worst comes to worse, I am lucky to have a Coco.

Little Victories

Little past one in the morning. Cleaned the aquarium today. Learned that to use the vacuum, one needs to get the air bubble out for it to work efficiently. Despite overflowing the sink and having fish detritus seep into the foot water massager, it went well. Water was lower and I rearranged the items in the tank. Found the ghost shrimps I couldn't find for a couple of weeks. Thought they went the way of the African frog.  Tank is clean and many ants that were patrolling for H2O well they are taken care of. Also through spontaneous evolution. I have a baby snail cleaning up sides of the aquarium. Also the Golden snail, Angelo thought expired. I'm happy to say is scaling up the front of the Aquarium.

Finished a few reads and returned some books to the library. This all before heading to the gym this evening. Took Haydee's class and then Theresa. It was nice seeing the regulars. New routines were introduced and I had some senior moments. Body is not as hippity hopity as I would like. I think I will have to live with this new reality. Might be doing a tripler tomorrow. All Zumba day. Still think I will be lifting some. Triceps and biceps tomorrow. Will be challenging the body tomorrow.

Ate my salad for the evening.  Ones I made the night before.Got two in the pocket and I must say I am proud for this planning. Need to make eating a bit healthier. I like the progress I am making. Need to work on weight and I am happy in the direction I am headed.

So besides all this sharing of all the regular activity. No insight on some thought provoking incident. Guess its like the weather prediction. All the weather people were stating that this entire week would be hit hard by El Nino storms. Today, not a drop. From the view out my window, skies are clear.

Guess, what I am saying is this, "Little things matter. Perspective and attitude matter. These small victories lead to big ones. Those fights against fatigue. Those set points with our weight. Those routines that we haven't mastered. These are the obstacles that we overcome. Some eight years ago, I asked the Big Smile for change. Wasn't the change I was looking for. Winning the Lottery would be nice. No the change has been incremental. Starting with simple reads of the book. One book became 400 books read for the year. One Zumba class for the week has become three in a day. It has become wishing for an aquarium to being happy I found the ghost shrimp alive.

Taking the time. These little victories. It is these one steps that make the possibility of traveling million miles possible. Showing some daydreaming, planning and sticktoittiveness I am happy with the direction and momentum. No longer the stall. Just that rolling rock gather no moss. Well, its late and there are many checks to knock off the list.