Life on a 3 by 5

Quidnunc--Hope to never lose this.

Love Happens. I know it does. My love for my Dad. My love for my brother. My love for my sister in law and the kids. My love for my Mom. My love for my family and friends. I know it happens and should not be rushed. My love for the Big Smile. My love for Em.

Catching a movie. Learning her dog will pass. It’s that kiss in the night with my Best Friend’s girl. It’s that First Love and that great Snow. It’s those candlelight massages.

Its Tina. Its Tiffany. Its Kitty. Its Magic. Its Biophille.

It’s that tug on my wrist as you say “Play With Me.” Its when you hum the Star Wars theme. It’s that time when you bring me a cookie for no reason, except just to give me a cookie.

Its that time seeing you being helicoptered away. Its when I flew in one a couple of days ago so I can talk to Angels, too.

Its when you tap dance and ask me to give me words for you to spell. Its when you study whale sounds and Chumash Indians.

It’s when you let me in when I have no family of my own. Its when knowing that you are out there. Its when I see pictures of your smile. Its when you have taken me to the Ambassador Hotel so I can go comic book hunting. It was when you had no Hate in your heart and I was jealous. It was when we shared our times together.

It is when you guys moved on. It is when we found each other again. Going our separate ways. It is when I know that you are out there and I know that I Love you and we have never really met.

I know Love Happens. It happens when child look up to parents. It happens when brother and sister accept each other just because they are brother and sister. It is shared moments with family and friends. It is when you meet your first love, your last love, your soul mate. It is the love of being an uncle. It is the love of family long gone. Its is lost friends found again. It is the love of the Big Smile. It is the Love that life you have lived will lead you to where you need to be.

Love Happens and I gotta still Believe.

Poppysmic--look it up

 

Three days later. . .

(Written before Dear. . .)

Chris leave tomorrow. For a year.  Just like that he’s gone.

Married two days ago. Tomorrow he’s gone. He’s in the Army now. Things were fast, things were rushed. Life is like that at times. Life has its own speed.  Chris is on hyperdrive now. He called a minute ago. Asked if I was going to stop by for his party. Unfortunately, I said, “No.”

Jewel left a text .He said there was lots of food. Lots of food. Oh by the way there is lots of food.I don't eat as much so. . .guess, he didn't want all that food go to waste. She wants me to be there.

Might go to LAX tonight so driving to the Ville is going to be much. I am sorry for being a “No-Show”. I am sorry for not being there your last night. I am glad to hear that Kim and Mitch showed. That’s important. Don’t know if I can.

Couple minutes ago, found out no LAX. Will go to Russell’s tonight. It is his last night. He’s one of the few family I speak to. Just got a text. He wants us to come by. Not something I really want to say "No" to. May not be the most practical thing going on. Drive to Vegas, then drive to Victorville, then Palmdale, then back to Victorville. Not very gas conscious.

I hear our next door neighbor’s party going. I hear the kids laughing. The parents talking. People smiling. When you get a text asking people to come to the reception tonight, you go. 

It is what family do. Only for an hour. Only for a moment. May not see either one for some time to come.  15 minutes I will learn if I go by myself or I go with others. Not sure either way. If I want to go, I should just go. Talks of family and holding it together that is what is important. Don’t know if Antoinette will be going. I doubt it. Not a strong start here. Kind of breaks my heart. She didn't show for the wedding.

Went to the wedding. Took lots of pictures. Went to Sapphire with his friends.  Hmmm, guess, its because I don’t have a family of my own this is why it affects me so. I think of my cousin Sima and he’s going his way. I see Lani and John having kids of their own. My Bro and Sis in law with their children. Feel kind of sad for some of the choices I made.  For awhile, I didn’t go to family parties. It reminded me of stuff I missed.

Will give it a few more minutes and I am out the door. Don’t know if it will last. Don’t know if I’ll see him again. Don’t know what to expect. All I know is that family is important to me. This means more than words. It means showing up and being there. Have not always done this. However, there is still breath inside me, there is still time to make things right. Maybe a little too late for some, but its time to go.

Just called. Place is packed. Lots of family friends showed.  


Three days later. I didn't go.

Dear. . .

Monday. Dear John is to my side screen. My cousin is leaving, actually, he has already left.  Left for Fort Huaruachua. It is something like that. Got married four days ago. Things were said and done that left me a bit uneasy. Things were not done and I find myself, a bit out of sync of late. Maybe it has been my no church and no gym mode of late. Not feeling right health and mindwise. 

Getting this sense of foreboding. There have been points of not sleeping right. Staying up all night. Not getting where I need to be. Not the same focus. May need to recharge and get self in tune. Talked to cousin Jason. He asked if Rodney was leaving. I said “Yes” Feels kind of good knowing that I am not the only one that has felt this same way.

Missed much. Trust in the Universe and she will take care of you.  I need to do some things to get me right. Be in the beach. Just let go. Visit Michael. See Emily. Drive. Breathe. Watch the Funeral.  Move on. Feeling my heart heavy. I think I will leave here.