Quiet times and Sunk Costs

Morning Mass--I keep my eyes closed through most of the session. I just find it my time to talk to the Big Smile. Thank the Big Smile for all that I have and all that has been given. Sometimes I sing. Some times I say the prayer if its one I know. Most of the time I just take in the moment where its okay to be quiet with my thoughts.

Few years back going to church was three times a year event. Now its a once a week. It would be okay to me if I would go everyday. I don't and I make excuses why I don't. If I wanted to make the time and effort, I would. Don't want to overload I guess. Read the entire Bible last year. Or was it two years ago. Still have the app on the phone.

Been wanting to read  the other religious texts but just haven't made it a priority. Its funny how we let things become habit. How good intentions aren't manifested.

For awhile, I was hoping to make a reconciliation. This has fallen by the waist side. Just "Read. .." and no response. Just let this one dark moments pass. Not Too Easy. My fear of being too pushy. My fear of rejection. I close my eyes and ask, is this one of those, "This Too Shall Pass"

Guess, this why I find comfort in Church. I ask for Forgiveness. I ask for a wish that May Not Happen. Don't get my answer, but just unburdening. It helps take this sorrow off for a bit. I don't want to let it go too long because its all that I have. Its this feeling. I am afraid that this feeling will go away. Don't have much of good memories of M.Just pictures and emails of last year. I just have this longing and this Hope that Things will Change. What I have is the feeling. Defriending, Closed contact. Unanswered emails. It is feeling of hurt. Maybe its what I want subconsciously.This feeling for not being where I should have been. My mind understands this is not the best course of action. For last few years, I have been making my heart stronger. Now, maybe I am ready. Ready to say, I hear you and Good Bye. Maybe in the next life I will get it right. I need to close this chapter. This story may not have a happy ending.

Listened to a Freakonomics episode. It was on quitting. Talked about sunk costs and opportunity costs. Used examples of Minor league players holding on to their dream, Talked about High End escort leaving a computer programming job. Talked about 60 and 70 year old hookers still working. Talked about the tactic of Seals telling would be candidates to quit. It was stuff I knew. Yet, it made me realize this situation I'm in. Holding on to this dream of having a relationship with M. Hold on or move on.

Putting this stuff out there and let the Universe do what She will. Trying to get that picture in my head of how I would like this happen. Role playing this scenario. Honestly it gets harder and harder to do at times. Letting this dream go. Forgetting all that has been said and written.

Anyways, this day is coming to a quick end. Need to close my eyes soon. Big Smile, I understand I may not get the answer I would like. I do thank you for listening. Can't step into the same River twice.

BOOYAAAHHH!!!!

BOO YAAHHH!!!

Scream carried loudly throughout the September night.

BOOYAHHH!!!

Been a deliverer of a BOOYAHHH!!!

Don't really ever want to be on the receiving end of one of these.

It can lift you up. It can bury you to the ground. It brings the stands to their feet. I hushes the crowd in a perpetual silence. It takes your breath away. It stirs something deep. It feels you take the lifeforce and it to one's own. If filmed, it wants to be played over and over. If it filmed, the receiver will want it stricken from time memorial.

Time slows just before the BOOYAAHHH!!!

It puts fears in the person's heart. They become Froggy. It can last a lifetime. Ready to be replayed over and over and over again.

The deliverers of these BOOYAAHHH's are put on a pedestal. They are the stories old men tell at reunions. It is the quiet smile one does not easily forget.

So I say, today.

Let this day be a BOOYAHHH Day. Let this Life be A BOOYAHHH Life. When all that is said and done, Do Not Go Quietly into the Night. . .RAGE, RAGE, RAGE Into the Night."

Let the Screams of BOOYAAHH be not easily forgotten.

Colloidal

Warm night. Quiet outside with the occasional car driving by. Fans a blowing. Steady hum soothes my anxiousness. Its been hanging for awhile. This unrest. Like waiting for the shoe to drop. Like the blow ready to be struck. It hangs there. Paused. As if time is slowed waiting. . . and waiting.

I need to close the window. A/C kicked in and I am feeling this cooling slow this roll. Like when I dive into the pool. Knowing it will be brisk. The plunge. After I say my "Thanks", I feel my knees bend and that point of no return, before the splash. Feeling the bubbles fly past my hands. There is a slowing down. A state of suspension. Momentum is built than the water becomes accepting and the rest of your body become like its flying.

Had some pictures put up. On a different site. It was one that raised my ire. Wasn't ready to really look at them. Frankly, I really forgot them. Found them in my downloads and I remembered. It brought a little peace. Had deep anger. A rage for people I didn't know. Felt betrayed by this Dragon Lady. Won't get into it. Still, I was not seeing it all. Thinking this stuff has passed.

Looking at these pictures I was reminded that Time heals most things. Allowing time for people to make things right. Allowing for people to come to their space. Their own place. I know time is passing by. Not waiting for me or anyone else. Somethings will be healed other times it will be lopped off and forgotten.

I think of, I rather not say,. Actually, there are two. Both close. No relationships with their Bio. One changed the last name. Another well I don't know. One has a FB relationship with lady that spoke her name in her dreams. That relationship is not with me.

Nonetheless, maintaining a wish, with no evidence of its future realization--Its taxing. Listened to a post on Stuff You Should Know. It was about willpower. In essence, it is like a cup needing to be refilled. It reaches a point where exhaustion occurs and than it ends. Burst of sugar helps strengthen this resolve. Guess I need a glucose tablet. My Willpower is waning.

Guess, this is what Hope is about. Being tested. Having One's resolved tested. It is testing Forever.

So. . .I close my eyes. Try to find that space. That Zone where the mind is quieted by stuff that drains. Like a muscle it needs to be worked on. It needs to be rested. It needs find that Flow. So, I will wait. Break through this point. My feet have left the pool deck and my Body and Soul are committed. This point where the water is still pushing back, not yet accepting. Hope it yields soon.

Late Night Write

Hour of the wolf. Half moon on the far west. Just above the horizon. It was a sight.

Went to bed early, after a heavy early dinner. Carne Asada taco. Been changing dietary habit. No soda at all. Anything with a drive thru is no longer on my menu. Better go hungry than add eat terrible. Chocolate almonds are still on. Need to have some vices to give up when I get older.

Anyways, got a 40 minute spin in for a late night workout. Brought the gloves, but not feeling a lift. Gym was empty. Iphone was less than six percent and no tunes and a bit drowsy. Thought best to get other things done on this late night/ early morning.

Teaching the Dorian the spin move. He is a straight ahead or ride to the side kind of player. Lateral movements and spinning are not in his repertoire yet. Still learning. Gave some tips to fake sleeping. He pretends to be sleeping when you walk in the room. His face is still and body stiff. When I suspect he's faking it, I just let out a big laugh and he can't help but smile. He's trixy, trixy. (Hobbit reference) Won't tell you the secrets to fake sleeping, but maybe he will.

Watched the  movie Lucy with Scarlett Johanssen. Morgan Freeman played the scientist helping Lucy who went super smart and just went extreme on the evolutionary tip. Anyways, the line that got me thinking is the dialogue Morgan Freeman had about Life. Life is a powerful force. It is seeking immortality. Either by developing means to propagate (sowing seeds) or to pass on their knowledge. Couldn't disagree with this. Who doesn't want to get Sexy Sexy? Who doesn't want create? I mean what possesses one to write a book. Paint a portrait. Sing a song. Why? Get Laid and Be Remembered. Well that seemed to be the message the writer of story to be sharing.

It seems competitively disadvantage to share a skill or trait to a possible future competitor. Don't feeling like constructing the argument for and against. Its late. Another time, perhaps?

Anyways, it felt good sharing this knowledge. Like making a deposit to the future. Teach one how to be better skilled. Maybe in the game will see the spin.

Hour of the wolf is coming to the end and the worlds creative energies are waning on this time zone. Until my energies return next.