It was a message on the radio. That’s all it was, A PBS Special. This is what I told myself.
It was more. A lot more and I knew it. It was a message for me.
The Angel in my room was screaming at me, but I didn’t listen. Heard it loud and clear. It is one of those crossroads in your life when you know you are making a huge mistake and I didn’t listen. No, I heard the message, but I was telling myself different. It is wrong and I needed to act. It is that moment of regret in life that we know we should do otherwise. I wasn’t alone Gabriel was with me.
I failed and I knew it.
Can’t say I didn’t know how it happens. Studied it myself. Social Psych taught me much. Stanley Milgrom was his name and he showed how the world how easily everyday people can fall down the path of disrepair, of disappointment, of dissolution. People wondered how the Germany people allowed the Holocaust to happen. Kitty Genovese screamed and cried, “Help” all through the night. No one did anything, except turn on lights and open doors. Her attacker left and came back. Being closed-eye bystanders we become.
We walk by people all the time. We ignore the ones with the signs. We shake our heads“No” as a mother comes in to Panera with her son, asking for money. We can’t even look them in the eyes. We refuse to look. No, not in the eyes. Eyes are where we connect. It's them eyes where my soul meets yours. I don't connect. Making connection. . .that connection. . .Woe is us that we can’t look people in the eye. See their eyes, study the pain in their face. Woe is us. We are strong and we can't help with their pain. Can’t face your problems. It may become mine. Its my physical denial. I pretend others will help. I pretend that I can't help. I pretend there is something wrong with you. I pretend . . .
My problem is staring me in the face. Its not just their problem, it is all our problem. A bad paycheck, a poor performance review, and an angry and we can find ourselves being on the other side of that stare.
In Norse folklore, Odin, King of the Gods, would test the compassion of humans. Disguising himself as a wayward traveler. If the family took him in was nice and hospitable, a gift would be left. If they were rude, the family's life would not be pleasant.
It is in the look in the eyes. It’s how we connect. When we fail to connect, we not only let others down, we let down the Big Smile. True, we have difficulty looking at the down trodden. We can do something, but don’t. Yes, we don’t. A simple act can make a world of difference. It’s we just don’t. Perhaps we were duped before. Perhaps we had not the means. Perhaps we didn't let the wayward stranger in, and our lives are now not pleasant.
We don’t hold ourselves accountable for one another. We don’t make that step. That next step. I failed, like many of others have failed. A cry for help and we turned a blind’s eye. I did this. I did this. I did this. I did not listen to the Gabriel screaming at me and I fear that it will come back to me. This is a selfish fear. Dharma may come back to me to teach a lesson I should have embraced. I am afraid of something happening to my nephew, my nieces, my Em. I fear being homeless and not receiving forgiveness. I fear not doing the right thing and not having a family. I fear xenophobes. I fear atrocities done in name of religion.
I fear I become what I am afraid to look at.
