Saturday. I sit in Panera. It's a nice place. A pretend fire is to my right. Plugged in at one of the precious outlets. People are eating their soup with their fancy bread bowls. (My favorite, by the way) Listening the classical piano overhead. I hear the musing of the people behind me. Their daily log of their life’s events.
Hmmm. Life events. It’s been almost two months since the year began. There still much to do. . .and still much to do. I’ve put some things on the backburner. Been making choices not to do things. I guess, I am bit afraid to them. Time is coming to end and they need to be done. I need to get these things done. There’s been some events that have lead me different ways—and they are all good. Yet, I need to get these things accomplished.
Plugged the ipod and put on my Nike+. Checked my status and I still lead in a few challenges. Fallen behind in some. Yet, I feel that I could do and need to do more. Last month finished around 100 miles. This month only 32 miles. That is a big drop. No fault but my own. Need to commit hardcore. Need to make the time. Need to do my road work. Need to do my faith road work, too. I am feeling a calling. Funny things is that the clouds the sun giving me a peak. Well, funny. I know it sounds strange. Maybe sharing my experiences is what is my calling.
Had a few signs of late. Did not want to write about it because there was some time that I need to appreciate it. I needed to go in a cave and just take in all the wonderfulness of it all. Taking a breath some things have changed. My niece asked me where would I go if I moved. Honestly, I just said Palmdale. Its my home. It’s my place. Its where my family are. Wherever they are is where it is most important. Traveled around southern California. Worked from Ventura to Garden Grove. Would have traveled to other states, but I would been away from where I needed to be.
It has been that way for awhile. Been away. Been disconnected from the source. It seems life events have given me a moment of pause to course correct. Not there yet, but I am getting there, In this group I accidentally joined, it appears that I am the male energy. I suspect what my purpose is with this group. Not ready to share, but I sense my purpose.
One lady said that they want to hear my story. Their heart and minds have opened. I am really out of the norm for this group. All, except me, are elderly ladies. All married. All are artists-in-the making. They have some stories they share. They are a tight group that have shared many life experiences. It’s a coven, of sorts. It feels like I am a group of healers. I know that I was drawn here for a reason. Much wisdom is here. Much energy is here. Much change is in the group. Feels a bit weird, but its welcoming.
The leader of the group reminds me of an earth mother, the Gaea archetype. Much wisdom. Much passion. A Strength of an earth mother imbued with a gift. She has the gift of words. She said that I have much to say. In many ways, this is so true.
We had an exchange. Like a protecting mother, she fought with energy. I felt it. Don't know if she felt the force. Needed not to take it personally, yet, I needed to stand to the brunt. Yes, there was some fear. Fear of her energy. Fear of angry words. Fear of consequence. Yet, I still needed to stand. Philosophical challenge. Fundamental differences. Like Democrats and Republicans warring on whatever. Their logic, their feelings, their beliefs were strong. Yet, I needed to stand. If war, then let it come. Let's hope this will last war for the colonies. A house divided will not stand.
Ideologically, it was a struggle between disconnecting and forgetting the past and everything. I wanted to maintain the energy to stay connected. Being a introvert, I know the comfort of not being hurt by others. I cocooned and I'm in the rebirth stage. I don't want to dismiss the past. There is a strength of ancestors that we can not and should not leave. True, their are flaws passed and their stories are not necessarily ours. Yes, we need to listen to our own stories and listen to our own voice. Being a loner, I know where she comes from. I subscribe one can will ourselves to be anything. I know this all to well. I know walking alone. Hopefully. . .
I will endure because I feel like a diamond being polished. After being crushed, pressured with constant force, I feel that I am being polished now. My facets are coming out. A master cutter is where I am. They have given me tools that I am learning to use to shine. It will be some time. I hope in this exchange that I will provide the same change for them to flourish too.
That’s it for this post.
