Leaving Wrestling Shoes on the Mat

Kurt Warner retires.

Saying Goodbye is never easy. I hope in many ways it never will. Its late and blogging. What's wrong with me? Guess, I never really got comfortable when people left. Didn't want to show hurt when we parted ways. Connections lost. Energies draining. Looked back at early posts. Death, funerals, and cemeteries--Nice way to start, at the end. Still believe it was the right way to start. We know death is coming: Death of career, Death of lifestyle, Death of the mortal coil.

Every morning, take photograph of sunrise. Every evening, photo of sunset. With the Weather Channel app on my Blackberry, I take note of the exact time of sunrise and sunset. How much daylight do I get? I calculate how many hours and decide my day's choices. Sunrises sets the tone of the day. Sunsets gives me an account moments used. There comes an end. Two more days, and one twelfth of the year is gone. Energy abound in the morning. Energy wanes in the evening.

Chosen Few
Kaprece, Kaelyn, Angelo, Luz, and Kevin drove to San Diego this afternoon. Seeing how they have used the month brings me calm. Spent the day, blogging and feeding ducks. It brought me calm. It brought me purpose and a sense of accomplishment. No longer do I starve for approval by many. Now, its down to a handful. Simply, don't care anymore what everyone thinks. Just a chosen few.

Their Deaths, My New Life
My love for comics started before grade school. My Dad took me to comic conventions at the Ambassador Hotel. Gone now, like Dad. Used to draw pictures of Superman, Batman, Spiderman. I would cut them out and hang them on my ceiling. I loved looking at them overhead. However, my love for comics started in 1982 with a graphic novel. It was the Death of Captain Marvel authored and drawn by Jim Starlin. Rochelle passed around the same time. Rochelle and the comic character had the Decay, the Blackend--They had Cancer. The story helped. Both passing changed my life forever. I took risks, looked ahead, and never looked back. I was present.

Now, I follow my brother's lead. I take more pictures. It reminds me of the past, my memory booster. It reminds me not to look back. It is my gift to myself--my present to be present. Hopefully one day one other will accept these gifts.

Took a picture on San Diego beach. Its a surfer on his board, looking at the waves ahead about to crash. There's a quiet, calm determination in his stare. Waves crashing in seconds. He will be twisted, turned, rolled, beat up, beat down, rag-dolled. Yet with quiet assurance he will succeed. I could feel it hundreds of feet away.

". . .If One Has The Courage To Admit Them"--Bruce Lee
I think of Lawrence Taylor's monologue in Any Given Sunday, "A man must be proud of everything, on and off the field." Can't say I lived a life where I was proud of everything I did. I am trying to fix that. My "never look back" attitude has waned through the years. Last year, my travel--my adventure--my life journey direction ran its course. I needed a course correction, I got a big one.

Before I move on, I must leave things. Baggage, Belief, Bondage must be left behind. In the words of W.E.B. Du Bois, "The most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become."

Pulled some quotes off the internet. Three speak loudly to me. "Mistakes are always forgivable, if one has the courage to admit them."--Bruce Lee "My heroes are the ones who survived doing it wrong, who made mistakes, but recovered from them."--Bono "There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting"--Buddha.

Kurt Wagner's Leaving Brings Me Back
Before rebirth, there must be retirement. My time is finite. Warner's retirement brings me to the realization that a journey of events run its course. It is time for a new course. Its time for new run. His career, his public declarations, his grace gives me inspiration. It gives me Hope.

Wagner's retirement reminds me of Rulon Gardner. Greco-Roman wrestler beat the unbeatable. He defeated the Hero of the Russian Federation--Alexander the Great--The Russian Bear. In the 2000 Olympics Gardner shocked the wrestling world defeating Russian Alexander Karelin, who was previously undefeated in 13 years of international competition. (Karelin went the last six years of his unbeaten streak without giving up a point.)

Despite this victory and it was memorable, it was his leaving that I remember most.

I Don't Remember Beating The Bear, Its Leaving The Shoes
Olympic Gold Medalist Rulon Gardner untying his laces, leaving his wrestling shoes on the mat, and then exiting tears in his eyes. It is an ancient wrestling ritual paying homage to the wrestling gods. It is a declaration to the world that he left everything on the mat. No regrets, no turning back.

Hope to do that one day. At my end, to leave my shoes on that mat. Can't yet. Still more to do. Admit my choices made, forgive others and myself, be the hero I believe that I need to be, my mission is forgive and recover. Before leaving this mortal coil, before I retiring in the sunset, before there is no more, I want to nothing left. No pain, no hurt, no regret, no hate. Leave everything. . .but Love